Once married…. Live on your own!
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In India, most couples move in with family after marriage staying with their parents. I think in todays world each couple should live separately after marriage and should move in an accomodation of his/her own. I know my perspective will be taken with a pinch of salt by few readers and I would have healthy criticism too in this respect but I have seen relationships sour, compromises made, and even separations filed not because of issues within the couple but because of a kaleidoscope of issues relating to the family.
A couple should at least spend initial years of marriage into a different accomodation preferably a different city from the respective inlaws of both sides because that increases dependency and understanding among the couple.
I know of a friend who was living in with family after marriage, that too an arranged one for almost 2 years and in these 2 years she and her husband hardly prolified into a relationship as both were working long hours on weekdays and on weekends they had social obligations and social visists with family. The guy was the only son hence on sundays he used to feel guilty to arrange for a day out with only his wife so usually they went as a family. This went on for about two years and this friend of mine by then felt totally alienated from her husband. She started relating to him as a social obligation too. Things had really reached a pits end but luckily God smiled and the guy got a job in Singapore. Once they went to stay there their relation improved drastically. The guy never felt guilty to spend time with her and in that unknown land the only people they knew were each other, hence they clung on and became dependent for little things till they refound their lost love.
There’s another friend of mine who had a love marriage with the guy she met in a professional course. Both were in the same batch and loved partying, long drives, going to the discs on weekends and unplanned travelling. Once married, they initially stayed on their own for about a year. Things were fine till then. Thereafter due to some family movements they shifted base to stay with the guy’s parents. The guy belonged to an orthodox family so problems started from there. They started having big quarrells and accussing sessions not something related to their own understanding but things related to basic adjustment in the family. The guy suddenly became so family oriented that he not only stopped going to parties with my friend but also made it a point that whereever they go it has to be with family so that his folks do not feel neglected. She tried talking it out with him but he listened to no logic of balancing it out.
Even if they decided to go for dinner they had to be back home by 10pm as supposedly that was the time set by his parents. The girl was never ready for such a thing, she tried pulling on for sometime and last I heard from her was that she was seeing a colleague of hers. The reason she gave me was logical enough. She told me that she didnt get married as a part of a social obligation only hence if she doesnt get what she wants in the marriage from her husband it is natural for her to look out of it.
The problem here is with the men folk. They excell as boyfriends but once they recieve their title as “husbands” they find it simply difficult to do the balancing act. It would have been easier if his parents were not very demanding and had their own private social life too but if the situation is not that then the guy is in trouble.
I know a male friend of mine in my ex organization who is into a similar situation. He works the whole week and sits back in office even hours after work hour just because he wants to delay his return to home. He says that he finds it irritating to be at home because once home, if he spends time with his wife in their room after a day, his mom gives him subtle hints of her being upset and feeling neglected and on the contrary if he spends time with his mom his wife feels neglected as she was waiting for him the whole day.
Hence he reaches home just at dinner time so that he has time left for dinner and then straight to bed.
On weekends his condition is pathetic. He cannot go out alone with his wife as his parents who do not have their own social life is also waiting for weekends so that they can go on outings with their son and his wife detests going out with family always because that way she doesnt get to spend time with her husband. To solve this dilemma my friend has taken an escapists stand. He just lazes at home in weekend and watches movies on his laptop or catches sports on TV all alone or better sleeps off. He spends time neither with his parents nor his wife. The result….. the day the dam of patience burst his wife almost made him deaf by shouting complaints and abuses for neglecting her and spoiling their marriage.
There are quite a few instances of couples who are friends which made me realise that once married, couples should stay on their own. It should be a custom in the society so that they get time to understand each other, to understand what it is to run a household by realising their responsibilities and grow interdependent and indispensible in each others’ life. Parents should not feel as if children have deserted them. It should be looked as the child visiting a hostel for higher studies. Staying on their own will only help your children learn to deal better with one of the most important relationships in their lives. Every family has their own way of lifestyle and culture, which is formed mostly by the man and woman who starts the family. The moment children grow up and bring their spouses to stay along, however flexible the lifestyle may be it seems slightly difficult in adjustment or may be in adaptation. Why should someone be asked to follow a lifestyle of another? Rationally neither of the sides should adjust ie. the spouse or in laws. Let married children live on their own so that they understand each other and through permutation and combination draw their own lifestyle, their own custom and culture for their family. While parents live by themselves with the lifestyle they kept on following since ages.
Another thing which i detest in couples staying with parents, is how working couples turn inlaws into baby sitters or nannies. They have already had their share of rearing kids up and by imposing the task of baby sitting to them in old age children only over burden them and curb onto their freedom and privacy. Parents would never say it but its children who should realise the fact that looking after kids at old age is very taxing and back breaking. Its you who have decided to have kids, its your kid so you two need to figure out ways to take care of them , may be one of the two decides to work from home til the kid goes to school. Whatever be the solution, parents shouldnt be burdened as baby sitters.
Yet living on own doesnt mean deserting parents. Of course post marriage the most important relationship in life is that of a spouse but parents are our biggest emotional assets. We are indebted to them in so many ways hence everything possible should be done to make sure they are doing good and comfortable, make sure proper care is taken and their needs attended. Maturity is required on parents’ part in a huge way here. They need to bind their children to them yet leave them free so that they prevent being the cause of guilt, or an emotional burden to their children.
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Nandini I think you have brought out a great topic for a great discussion. But as you already preempted the criticism I would not agree that this can be put as a universal truth about not having the privacy if one is living with parents. It also depends on how mature the parents are. I have seen parents who happily allow the son-daughter in law to go out by themselves too as long as some quality time is also spent with them etc. But yes i would tend to make a point that given our culture once a couple has a child life starts to rotate around the child and couples used to tend to ignore their other social relationships hence now when they are older they have only their son and his family to look upto. This is why I always tend to encourage my parents and in-laws to have their own social circle so that they are not too dependent. But all in all a good chain of thoughts from you.
Nandini, amazing topic of discussion. You have written it so well with case studies. I could relate to it. Seems its my story. But here the key to all problems lie in the husband. He needs to understand unsaid words. But yes, the best way is to stay separately and yet maintain a good relation with all the inlaws. In India maturity is not there with most of the parents like in the examples you have given. Still I feel, Husband is the only solution here. Extremely well written and very real life incidents.
Nandini, that is a sensitive topic. Most of us when we get married forget that we are in this world only because of our parents. And as they grow older they become more like children. So, we need to be a wee bit flexible. Of course, that does not mean you don’t enjoy the happiness that marriage offers. There has to be an adjustment from both sides. After all, old parents were once upon a time young and romantic. And we as couples will grow old too one day.
Shail, Its easier to state things which sound nice. Even we know that smoking is injurious to health yet so many smoke. There are certain things we know sound good yet in reality when we are in such a situation we feel frustrated. As a housewife, I have faced myself in a similar situation. Today we stay separate and that is why all of us are happy. Me and my husband have a good relation today just because we are separate. The article doesnt discuss ideal situations. It is discussing another side of the coin. Nandini, I second your thoughts.
hi nandini,i am sure that after reading this article many married women would have related this to their own lives..but most of us do not have the guts to admit it to anyone leave alone look for our happines elsewere.I lived for 4 years with my husband after marriage and have enjoyed the ups and downs together..and then shifted with in laws …i could see the change in the equation between me and my husband..we rarely talk to each other let alone share our feelings..its been a year that we have cuddled together and seen a movie..because all the time we are home we have to spend time with family..i totaly agree that after marriage one should live alone..and at the same time also take care of parents..you do not need to live with them to take care of them and bond with them..dont couples who have daughters live alone all their lives ..most of the time they are more happy…
Akansha, I am not talking about idealistic situations since I have seen both the sides of the coin ie, living alone and then living with parents. The problem is that when people get married they don’t always get to live in the same town as their parents and so, they are not able to take care of them. By the time they realize it all it becomes too late. Try to see it from your parents’ point of view. What if your parents were left alone to fend for themselves? I wouldn’t want to lose my parents for my desire to live with my husband separately. As I mentioned adjustment is needed from both sides and husbands should know when to stand up for their wives!
Yes meenakshi, you have beautifully potrayed your thoughts into words. Shail, you are right, the husband’s role is important but how many men are men enough to speak for their wives even if they understand. We dont wish to lose any of our parents. They are very important to us. Parents have lived their lives and enjoyed with each other when young, now its their turn to be mature and let us enjoy our lives. A survey says couples who stay by themselves at least for initial years have better interdependence and understanding. Meenakshi the part where you have written about the parents of daughters who live alone from their child forever after marriage is BINGO!!
Thanks a lot readers for your wholehearted participation in discussing this topic. I had read an article in a magazine of late about increasing rate of divorces in India these days and causes. That article motivated me to write this blog. All the case studies here are real life incidents of friends. The blog is not written to point a fingure or show disrespect to anyone. It just discusses a slightly different yet practical point of view. As far as my personal experience goes, I share a good chemistry with both my set of parents and specially with my inlaws for the mutual respect and love that we have for each other. Go on friends! keep commenting.
Hi! Nandini, Kudos to you for discussing a topic with such a vast relevance in todays’s India. Our generation has grown up in quite a western way and me and my wife( my girlfriend then) had real fun in courtship days. After marriage suddenly there came in so much of expectations from parents’s side for me and my wife. I am okay with responsibilities and emotional attachments with parents but not sharing my entire personal life with parents and losing spending time with my wife. I used to feel like the rope of tug of war game. I used to feel sorry for my wife as I blamed her whenever she complained of my indifference. But i really was not able to keep everyone happy. My relation with my wife would have gone haywire totally had I not taken a transfer to a different city. Now we are all happy. Me and my wife share a good understanding. We have a little daughter now. My parents visit once in few months and we visit them too. I take care of them but i feel more relaxed this way. Just as my mother is the most important woman in my fathers life, my wife is also important to me in my life.
Nandini, very apt point of discussion. Extremely relevant.What I appreciate here is that you have written that at least for initial years a couple should stay by themselves as it increases their interdependence and understanding. This is a good idea. People who have criticised this article, please understand that the writer is talking of staying separately at least for initial years not forever and no where is she asking to desert parents. Also its the time to enjoy life! Yes, the role of the husband is most important. I agree as a husband myself. And yes, if parents are immature and too much demanding and interfering it is always better to stay in a separate accomodation so that the relation doesnt sour. I think ideal would be, even if couples stay with parents, the husband should try to carve his and his wife’s own personal life and protect their privacy. If parents are demanding, they should be made to understand that just as they have enjoyed together in their early days, we should also be left to decide for our lives. I think that way all problems can be avoided.
Yes Nandini, and yes Rishi, I agree totally. Couples should and should live by themselves for at least the initial years of their marriage for better understanding. My husband is a Mariner so he kept on travelling after marriage and when he was at home we hardly got time for ourselves for demand of inlaws to our time. He could never stand up for the cause of our life because my husband never wanted to hurt his parents. He ended up hurting me though. Today we are two aliens living separate lives.
WONDERFUL!!!!! just excellent blog and beautiful comments. I agree, in todays date, couples should spend initial years together by themselves at least.
Nice write up. At face value it doesnt feel good to hear that once you are married you choose to live on your own. But what if parents ask you happily to do that. That happened in my case. We took up an apartment just two block away from in laws and kept visiting them every now and then. They are happy and we are happy too that ways. Its more practical. Me and my husband take good care of both our set of parents. Different yet good and relevant point of view. I agree that if couples spend initial years at least by themselves then their understanding improves.
Nandini I was so touched that you brought up this topic for discussion. Felt it was my story that you cited. My relation with my husband soured and egos crept in just because of family issues. He had no time or concern for me as his parents are his everything. Weekends we were bound to spend time with parents only. The result is today, I am just not bothered and we live alienated lives under the same roof.
Nandini, good blog. Very nice topic of discussion. Even I believe, that in intial years couples should stay by themselves for better understanding.
Nandini, nice blog and relevant topic of discussion. Couples should stay by themselves for initial years to have better understanding. Also they get the real taste of life. In 1st two years of marriage, husband and wife should have no other obligations but just the two to enjoy life.
This is a nice out of the block writing. But very apt for our generation. The cases you discussed are so real. Man really swtich off in the balancing act and at the end of the day its their married life which suffers. For no fault of each, things sour. I think your point is well taken because of the way you defended the point with the case studies.
Very well done Nandini. You came up with something which is there in the mind of our generation but we dont have the guts to admit. Initial years should be spent on their own by each couple. The problems that you have cited in each case is so realistic and we can relate to them. Seems my story:)Also you discussed one of the vital reason of infidelity in woman. Neglect, Indifference and taken for granted attitude of we men folks many a times make our woman go for Infidelity. I think I support a woman’s stand there. keep it up lady!
Hi! Nandini, Very very well written blog and quite an out of the box thinking. The dilemma is something so common to most of us in our generation. I must appreciate the way you understood the stand of the poor male colleague of yours. Sad! by being indifferent to everyone he was plainly screwing the happiness of his and his dear ones. His parents already have a healthy married life and they have lived it too. He just screwed his own married life. Pity! he didnt understand. Initial years in a marriage is very important and its better a couple spends it on their own. In todays generation thats the most practical thing to do. And yes, we are not deserting parents. They are very important to us. We are just protecting our privacy and preventing unnecessary compromises being done and sulking incidents being created.
Well written. Point appreciated more because of the way you have dealt with the cases. The male colleagues situation is pathetic, also the lady who is seeing someone else just because of an indifferent confusing husband. The husband’s role is crucial. he should take a stand and to make the most importnat relationship of his life work, initiate to stay on own at least for few years. Good discussion.
Nice reading the blog and also the discussion which follows in the comments. In todays world this topic is very relevant. Doesnt sound nice though in India, but I think it is better if kids live by themselves once they grow up and start a family. But they should also visit parents often and take care of them. Husband wife relation is very important so one should not spoil it by letting in ego and indifference as in the cases cited above. Parents should become more mature. Parents have lived their lives, now they should not be emotional burdens and allow their children to enjoy their lives too.