13^th December, 2009

Today I fought with Maya again. It was a spark which burst into flames in no time. And we both left feeling bitter and dejected and thinking how much the distance between us has increased over the past three weeks. Nowadays we hardly spend a single day without arguing. If we meet up, thinking that all will be as nice and pleasant as before, we fall silent after the first two or three introductory dialogues. The tension slowly builds up in silence. It is as if we silently start quarrelling with each other long before we actually start the argument. Maya was in tears today. I could see the pain in her eyes today, though at an earlier date I could have felt it too. She said what I could anticipate even before she articulated it. It was too much pain for her to take and she was not sure if she could continue with the relationship any longer. This was the end, I thought. A sea of emotions swept through me, yet I knew that it was inevitable. We stared at each other for some time. The incidents of the past two years fleeted across my eyes, while tears streamed down from her eyes. I still could not believe that I was getting separated from her. Yet, I had no other choice. I had wanted to end it this way. It was all calculated. It was about time that I faced the truth head on. It was me who all along worked towards the deterioration of the relationship. For each and every day throughout the past three weeks, I did not rest till I had fought with her, made her cry and feel bitter. It was as if I deliberately wanted to make her hate me. This was my decision, conscious and calculated.

I have just made one assumption. Maya, I believe, would be happier in her life, if she learns to hate me. That way things would be much easier for her; she would find it easier to start her life afresh, when I am no longer there to make her life miserable, approximately one month from now. Soon, I will lose my mobility and the chemotherapy would start to show its signs on my physical being. That is why I had to hasten things up. Otherwise I could have stayed cosy with my beautiful and lovely Maya for some more days. I hope I have done the right thing. A break up is certainly not as painful as losing the person you love. Mom has made my favourite chicken curry for lunch today. I just have one more month, and I want to die with a satisfied stomach…

Tears hazed Maya’s vision completely. She could not read anymore. It was an accident, the letter was not meant for her eyes. It had been a month now after Rahul’s death. She ran out of his room and into the streets.

Somehow Maya had always failed to believe that their relationship had died a natural death. Now she knew. Rahul was brave. She could be courageous too and make him feel proud. She wiped away her tears and headed for her home.

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