New text message.

Sender: Ishaan

Content: You know what? I think I have a crush on this girl from Chem. Her name’s Nikita. Anyway, how was you day, dear? Take care, love ya :-*

Ishaan and I had been friends for nearly a year and a half. We had met through common friends and had instantly become good friends. Initially, the world wide web had played a major role in our communication, but then we came to exchanging numbers and talking through text. We were both sixteen and texting was the new msn.

We were now freshly in juniors in high school, and eleventh was conventionally the space of time when teenagers brush shoulders with change, for better or for worse, you could never tell until too late. Yet, as of yet, the change had not set it, we were just trying to fit in to our new roles as juniors.

I was scared of change though. Who isn’t? You may wonder, but I was nearly borderline phobic. Change scared me, made me want to cry, hide…and made me question if I would finally lose everybody whom I love to change.

However, even as I stepped into grade eleven, I was not that scared. The reason: My best friend Ishaan. He was my light in the dark, my wish upon a star. He was perfect, the best friend one can ever hope to have. I felt lucky to have him.

Now, the typical thought whenever a girl and a boy become very close is that they are sure to fall in love sometime, have a bitter break up and end up regretting it all. However, I was convinced that would not happen to us. We both agreed that a girl and a boy can have a strictly platonic relationship. In fact, each time I told him I loved him a lot, I never failed to mention that it was “only as friends, not in that way”. Truly, it felt absurd to even think of the possibility of us falling in love. Even now as I mention it, the concept is seeming laughable…

However, that never stopped me three months ago from looking at his lips and thinking, hmmm, he has nice lips…he must be a good kisser. But, I knew that he had never kissed anyone and I wanted to be his first kiss. Though I would never really accept it.

He was really wonderful, I must repeat, the way he always takes care of me and does everything to make me happy. We had grown so close in a year and a half that we never failed to wish each other good night, sweet dreams before going to bed. I remember having felt ecstatic when he would write “luv ya” in the end and add a kiss smiley.

But, all the love was platonic… I knew it. He was too shy with girls, me an exception, to actually fall in love with one. And me? I was almost one of the boys. Even associating me with sappy things seemed taboo.

But, one day, when we were talking over the phone, before hanging up, I told him, “Bye, and I love you.” It wasn’t a proposal or a confession. It was platonic emotion. It was met with mere silence.

I cleared my throat, going red, and said, “Not in that way, don’t worry…”

He, apparently finally finding his voice, said, “Same to you. Bye.”

I was crushed, I did not know why. Isn’t “same to you” the same as “I love you too”? I asked a friend, she said not. Well, maybe he doesn’t love me, they do say that girls have more passionate feelings…it’s all fine.

We were best friends, we loved each other…He could be my brother, it was all so platonic…

But, today, that text message got me thinking about the definitions of platonic love again. What was this pain that I was feeling in the place where my heart is supposed to be? I felt like I could not breathe, I had to struggle to keep my tears from pouring out. How could my heart suddenly feel so black when I have always prided its golden purity? How can my smile suddenly be washed away? What would Ishaan say, if he were to know that I was feeling this way?

Oh, yes, he would not be much bothered, would he? I loved him, he did not love me back. Now he even has Nikita! Why would he love me, anyway? I was hardly pretty, my hair was a perpetual mess, I did not have the figure of a model, I never wore short skirts or showed off my assets. Would a boy ever want ME?

I thought about Ishaan’s last crush – it had lasted three years and did not materialize. This one? How long would it last? Well, at least this Nikita bitch has a boyfriend. Forgive me for thinking this way, Ishaan, but I have always thought of you as mine…it’s difficult to think you may ever not be….

We went out for the first time. Well, not just him and me, it was six of us – three boys, three girls, none dating. We watched a movie and then ate lunch at KFC. He sat beside me though, my best friend after all. Even when my head found his shoulders and my hands touched his arm, it was purely a friendly gesture, or so I told myself.

During lunch, one of his friends commented about how Nikita had had a break up recently. I cringed. The next statement felt even worse – “You know, last day her hand touched his, albeit by accident, and he loved it!”

My hand on his leg suddenly disappeared. No, I was merely his best friend…

It would not take a genius to figure out that I was in cold, hard denial. But it took me long enough because that had been the day I came to terms with my feelings. I had been in love with him for months on end. Suddenly everything seemed to make sense – why I would close my eyes when he would talk over the phone and it would feel like bliss and I wished he would go on talking for eternity…why I felt so broken when I considered him being with anybody but me…and why I would often tell him stories about best friends falling in love.

You Belong with Me by Taylor Swift suddenly became the theme song of my life. Except where the girl gets together with her best friend, I thought. He was too shy and I was too scared, there would never be a mutual confession.

In spoils and tears, I finally confessed to my friend Rupsha. She gave me a duh expression. Yes, she had somehow always known that this would happen. And, apparently it was the same for practically all our friends, they all knew that we were perfect for each other…it was just us who were too blind to see…

Three days passed in a haze, and it was midnight and I was up studying for an important test. During a short break, I tucked my headphones in my ears…and, a song began to play – a song about a girl in love with a boy who liked a girl who would never love him back. It made me realize how much I needed him to be mine. I had held back my emotions and hidden them from him because I feared that I would hurt him. I never wished to be the reason of his hurting…

But, today I realized that by hurting myself, I was hurting him. I had nothing to lose. He had told me “I love you” verbally a month after I’d received a cold “same to you”…and he never lied to me.

I sent him a text telling him. And apologizing, if I lose our friendship because of feelings I could not stop.

I was scared he would say no, we can merely be friends…I waited for hours for his reply…but, his reply put my line of thought to shame.

New text message.

Sender: Ishaan

Content: No, you have not ruined our relationship. I love you, too. I was scared, okay, to tell you. I had tried to suppress it, Nikita was a far-fetched attempt to deny my feelings for you…and even you always said that it was all platonic. But, I love you, and I do not think I will ever get tired of saying it…:)

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