Diaries of a dreamer – Part I

Hi All…

There is no particular objective of what I am writing today. I just thought I would share my story with you. At least the important parts. May be someone out there can help me clear the cobwebs that still haunt me, or just tell me that they too have been in the same boat…

So here I go.. I spent most of my childhood studying, participating in various contests and winning most of them. I was the best student in my school but that did not give me any particular thrill. The highlight of my teenage years was a boy who was head over heels in love with me. Everything was fine until I didnt know this. The day I came to know, it just changed my life. And am not too sure, till date, whether it was for good or bad.

I started enjoying all the attention – he was a very popular guy in school and my dear friend too. I still couldn’t think of any good reason why this handsome, most popular type person was in love with someone as ordinary as me. Slowly slowly the attention-liking thing grew to an extent where it started feeling like falling in love. I have still not figured the best way to describe that feeling. But whatever it was it was the best thing that I had ever experienced in my short life.. may be the first feeling of attraction, love or infatuation…

The whole school would only talk about what he said to me , or what he gave me, or even the fights that we kept having, which were quite frequent. Obviously they had no meaning, they were initiated only to attract the other person’s attention. And the attention seeker that i was, it usually used to be me who would start the fight – stop talking – start ignoring – get followed by him – and then just enjoy.. Actually there was no anger at all, just an act of being angry so that he would come to me saying sorry ­čÖé And this silsila went on for I dont know how many years.. It must have started when I just entered secondary school and went on till class ten…

Half my friends thought I had no special feelings for him and half of them thought I didn’t give a damn. None of it was true. I was too confused to know what it was. The only thing I knew was that I always got goose bumps when he was around. And yes, there was another thing that I knew – that come what may, I can’t afford to let my parents (especially my dad) come to know of this second life of mine.

At home I was a┬ásilent kid, always studying, almost like I only had eyes and no tongue. My father was┬ástrict, in the superlative.┬áHe was Simran’s dad multiplied by 1000. Just the thought of him sent chills down my spine.┬áI used to love school (thanks to my secret love affair). I never thought of it as an affair though, because I had yet not said yes (he used to ask me at least 10 times in a month), my answer was always “no”. Not because I didn’t like him, I loved the attention, but mostly because I didn’t want to let go of this feeling of “going to falling in love”…

My life had become a terrible roller coaster.. fun in school and then switch to my other personality at home. Then, he used to come cycling every evening, ring my bell.. send my bowels screaming with fear of my dad suspecting a ‘kaali daal’… and then ask for water… from the time the bell rang to the time he drank his glass and cycled back, my body temperature used to drop by 20 degrees.. Ever experienced extreme thrill and extreme fear at the same time? I went through it every day, every single day…

So it went on and on and there came our farewell party.. we were in class 10 and would soon part ways…

(more in my next post..)

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