run down my lips, patchy networks

of fun…

life stinks of a rotten egg, boiling

inside for ages at a time

life flies away like the smoke from

the incense,

life is all and yet nothing..

of faded footprints

and creases of vanished smiles

around thy lips

life is smudges of tears, on a

pillow stacked away in the closet

life is all, and yet nothing

life is the color of sky in the sunset

life is dark and bright at all times

life is what i see in your eyes

when you look the other way

life is crunchy popcorn, buttered

away…

life is all & yet noting

life is you & me dying

Doc ( as I’ll refer him) took my X-rays and told me at the end with the universal sympathetic expression of all doctors (from Bollywood to Hollywood)upon giving their fine verdict based on their medical wisdom, sighed about my ‘stuck’ jaw bone. He advised surgery where giant metal caps will be fixed around my head like a helmet that would prevent my jaw from dropping. If not nothing, it was his verdict that made my jaw drop. That’s when I realized a person can go invisible at will ! I disappeared from the face of medical existence. My jaw became ok after a while..as if a shock therapy of myself lying jaw-dropped inside metal helmets faced down by cute doctors was all it took (it sounded more pathetic than lying open mouthed in front of a cute dentist..although the humiliation scale weighs the same for both!)

Then months later,a freak accident took me back to the Doc. An overnight train journey had left me drained and my sleep-deprived mind wailed like the infant in my near berth. Upon reaching the destination,I clambered down from my upper berth.What happened is still vague, but all I can remember is sitting at the side berth, searching for my upper middle toe of my left leg, frantically! It actually went inside my finger..thats the best I could explain. Mustering all my courage, I pulled at it and there I had my toe back. Hence I went back,a few days later with a swollen-barely-able-to-walk toe. Doc looked at me and complained about me taking care of it myself, creaming his complaint with an icing on my bravery. Anywayz I was back in the X-ray room and this time, he said I had a growth in my left foot and that I would need surgery. I disappeared again to never go back. I’m sure if he could issue a wanted list, I’ll have the honor to be in it. But then, I trusted my body enough to heal itself. Although, my friends say, shock treatment is my best cure for anything. As far as cheating Doc is concerned, I’m sure he will give me plenty of shocks again..if my horoscope is to be believed.

without their smiles

I would smile for them

that leering crack on my lips

I would hover above

but they won’t see

they would cry

and I would be

alone, above..happy

Its all over for me

so you see

I can take a back seat

and let them be..

in chaos, in remorse

without me.

We do have many celluloids on dragons. They have always been  mysterious dark creatures, often inhabiting on the evil side. Then came THE DRAGON HEART,which gave them a dignity previously lacking. Recently I saw the animation movie, HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON. What struck me first was the marvelous quality of expressions, that were actually various and had been rendered superbly. The movie is quiet commendable and one needn’t think about the technology that worked behind since we have had movies like AVATAR.

The story is endearing,that of the friendship between a rare species of dragon called the Night Fury and a viking boy called Hiccupps. The boy calls the dragon Duflex and yes, it becomes a pet rather than a ferocious dragon. The dragon’s character is sketched with tinges of dogs and cats,so as to make it funny and lovable. But at the same time, it possesses mysterious bravery, dignity and strength, qualities that only dragons have. But refreshingly, there is no master-pet politics coming in. It is simply a friendship between two beings who have their own shortcomings .

in the face of my love

in those moments of passion

i could lie of my commitments

I could lie & make him believe

its all for him..that he is the one

I could lie and make him believe

that I’m his dream come true

as he often said,

I could lie about us and life

I could lie about lots in my mind

or leave a few things in silence

after all, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt

but then I realized, its still about him

all those lies and silences

to keep him unhurt, to save him from

aches. My truth I alone dwelled in.

That’s when all the lies stopped

and my last one merely told him,

that I never loved him as much as I always

said, or perhaps not as much as he believed.

But is that a lie or is it the truth?

I rattled my mind and yet I knew not

I did love him but how much?

That’s when he hugged me with a smile

and asked me to just love

and I thought of all my lies where

I  measured my love in words!

no goodbyes or words

to tell me this is where

its gonna end,

nothing……just left me

in the cacophony of my own breath

following him, at his footsteps

beckoning to say

beckoning to end

for a closure, rightly deserved

the lack of one, would leave

me no where, but on that path

where he did leave, without a word

or a sigh..i would stay still

till he would come

to say all that he didn’t

and thus free me from the moment

frozen inside, holding me within

from then life will move on

but till he comes, i’m here

all alone…waiting for just a goodbye

he could have said long ago!

out into the pour

so that my tears I didn’t know

amongst the droplets that

washed my face.

I sobbed out of ache

but the rain muted my cries

passer bys hurried past

like life and I remained.

That’s when I saw, a butterfly

in the rain.

Flapping its wings in vain

yet the droplets never could weigh

it down and it flew against all odds.

Brown was its wings,

flipping open atop wet flowers

not resting though anywhere

but flying high as much as it can.

I wondered why would it go through

such pain? When the droplets could tear

apart its wings, yet it flew in mighty gait.

beating out all odds.

that’s when it struck

whats a few tears or aches

when butterflies could fly in the rain

and be happy to fly more in the pour!

Back then, darkness was synonymous to masculinity. A virile, masculine male inadvertently had a swarthy or something mysterious about him that both excites and frightens the maidens. He is like that lone dark horse which gallops in the open fields, almost impossible to tame and too hard to possess  but too exciting to let go.

Times before 80′s & 90′s, saw dark men completely taken into cruelty as portrayed in literature. The famous Shylock of Shakespeare is dark complexioned, something that indicates his evil nature. The blacks were often portrayed as potential rapists and men fuming with violence, all because of their skin color. But this portrayal also suggests the insecurity that a white man faced when compared himself to a black. The blacks look more virile & masculine compared to a Caucasian white and hence a white dominated world, portrayed blacks hence.

But coming down time,the potential of the evil/darkness to excite and attract was better understood. Hence heroes like Rhett Butler, Heathcliff… came into being. All dark and possibly unconquerable, but in reality they are waiting for their right woman to redeem them. Now that makes it all the more exciting, as Beatles say ” All you need is love ” !

I stick to the paradigm of darkness and virility which also accentuates the femininity and fragility of the woman. And this shift in concepts all boils down to market and our God-given dusky skins. So with all the women chasing fair skin, it leaves only the men. Now ,why should they be spared from the rat-race!

for the world to see

she lay there

for all of us to be.

Torn like her clothes

she lay there in a shredded

world

we walked past her

you & me

Hand in hand,smiling

and not seeing,

I pretended, so did you

she lay there

for none of us to see.

Her navel peeped out

into the world

and her womb sucked in

all the stoicism

and her child within grew

by the day

and at night,when strange hands

shredded her again & again

her womb fought back, to survive.

One day, my eyes met hers

and I looked away

lest she robbed my soul

too late was I,

my soul was lost like her’s

searching for a shred of humanity

somewhere alive in this world

she could be me, or you

violated in cozy public places

she could be us or them

all at the brink.

tomorrow, I’ll await

instead of her, with my sunken womb

holding nil, not even life

would you give me a second glance?

would you care? or walk away?

like me to find you in my place

when the world conveniently

looks the other way!

like tiny ripples of love

sensations churning inside me

and I’m floating like a leaf

happily fallen from the rut

called tree…and I float

forlornly…caressed by the four

winds, taking me somewhere

where I’m meant to be. Down

the falls, whirlpools & ripples

I see the deepest valleys

the strangest of lives

I see sullen fishermen

hopeless dangling worms,

Pelicans at raid, fishes in myraids

I see maidens at dark, wet feet

and minds at call for celestial demons

I see how waves are made,

I see how the moon silvers from

plainness, I see where the sun dips

I see boats and stories ,emerging

to sink in the waves.

I float, seeing all, feeling all

wet & decaying and happy on my way

to some unforeseen bottom

where I would rest forever, in remembrance

of all that had touched me.

And I would smile in death

when the same wind shreds me to bits

or the ripples choke me to death

or the stagnancy rotting me in parts,

I would feel it all, I would take it all

& keep it safe, inside my memory

memory of a leaf!

homecomings, none welcoming

mushy train rides

hidden passions

cozy warmth of air conditioned

compartments

whence his hand met mine

I revolved in time

with the train swishing past all

that held us apart

we held each other

and the train took us to be somewhere

where hands that hold never has to part.

Stops became milestones

and each one signifying nothing

like breaths mingling & dissolving

we dissolved to never be picked apart

but the end is inevitable

if the world finds out, the end

will be tragic. Yet momentary madness

of silly coy excuses of love transcended us

if the world finds out, so be it

it would crack & I would sink

but the warmth of those forlorn

moments might keep me up

for if he would give me a hand

I will take it, for never to be left behind ..

just a twitch of lips he said

I twitched &turned, but he didn’t call

it a smile. I blinked and wondered

have I forgotten how to smile!

I saw them around, every lips twitched

none frowned, simply creased in happiness

& here was I wondering how to smile.

He smiled for me to see, he tickled me

and I frowned !

Just when he was about to give up

I got a glimpse of  his despair,

I smiled, twitching as he had taught

and in return, I got a happy laughter

now why did I smile? If I had to laugh?

I could cry, but I did smile

for someone, who needed my smile

such desperately. But then he got greedy,

he wanted my laughter

Something so very forgotten, and yet

just a few more muscles he said

take it to smile & then set yourself free

that’s how you laugh,

I watched him in awe, I asked God

for many more…smiles and laughter

and so much more.And I got my share of

joy, in a bundle of smiles and laughter

who taught me in love,the

first  step of life…namely how to smile!

hissing at my lips

as I quiver to some stranger’s

humane looks

I would do it again

jumping off the cliff

when eyes are turned elsewhere

I would fly down to somewhere

below a 1000 feet,where none

had ventured, I would throw

myself to rot quietly

in strange solemnity.

Its hard to answer the whys,

I see peeping in their eyes

like questions forbidden

like areas restricted.

I see no whys, but only

why nots

for what I would be alive?

all the reasons seem lost.

Sunny walkways

Smiles at random

Hands that hold

Chocolates melting on Pavements

Kids running on bubbled Courtyards,

Rainbows coming down to My door step

Kitchen plants blinking In sunlight

Puppies scrambling

, as we hUg In love,

day & night

My butter-paper dreams

Sure & yet is it there?

in the wilderness of my dreams

beasts lurking in darkness

serpents crawling giants

I wander, alone

lost in the nightmares of

my dreams. Foot in in front

of foot, I walked to nowhere

from no one.

No moon shone, no stars

blinked…………if darkness had life

you can find it in my dreams,

inside my ears, faint echoes

booming in & out, of

strange creatures, that the

darkness hides.

I’m afraid of sleep, the balm of

nature to tortured souls. I’m

in pain, but nature seems to have

failed. Closing eyes, is shutting myself

inside a prison, full of darkness &

demons…

Lost am’ I, to my darkness…..

Now years afterwards and many phones later, I hold that phone alone with care. Technology has grown beyond the hill and over the valley and my first phone has become a crude outdated   communication device. But, I still cherish it for what it was, coz I still believe that I could reach Aditya, or my dear ol’ Aadhi through this phone alone. We had grown up together and we were supposed to spend our lives together. When he had gone for his higher studies to a far off city, I felt being torn into two. Mobile phones were unheard of then. But letters kept us connected and the once -in-a-month visit held us close. When it was time for me too to leave, I was afraid of  not only missing my family,but also his visits, though I was to go to a much nearer place.

It was Aadhi’s idea, to get me a mobile phone. My dad couldn’t think of a better gift. Aadhi taught me how to use it. He fed his and my home number into my phone. He gave it to me with a smile and a promise to call each day. We did, everyday..until Aadhi had to go to never return. A college tour that  turned disastrous. A boat wreck in the ocean and he went missing. Thats all! He is merely missing, not dead. Though the society has declared him dead, his family had moved on and my parents have given up hopes on my marriage, I know, he is merely missing. Its been only8 years and  my job keeps me busy. And my new 3 G mobile makes my communication perfect.But I still switch on my first phone. I can’t hear any ring, but in that silence each time I press it to my ears, I feel him whispering. My phone is my only device to get to him and I still keep it alive all the time, so that when he calls, I can answer. One day he will….

The Art of Racing in the Rain,

I was at first perturbed and even dissatisfied with the human like narration that the family dog Enzo engages in. A few pages into and I was already losing interest. So I just tossed the book aside.Being a dog owner myself, I was aware of dogs’ sixth sense perception and their almost human like behavior. But what made me go back to The Art of Racing in the Rain was a strange incident when my dog took sides in between a fight between me and my brother. He stood by me and he barked at my brother, and I felt strong for having a supporter. My dog then displayed a sense of judgment, of assessing the situation and deciding on right and wrong and taking sides. Popeye might as well be a human in a dog’s clothing. When I narrated this incident to a friend of mine who also has a dog, she too confirmed such similar situations where her dog had reacted practically and independently upon its own judgment.  Now ,why wouldn’t they? They have been a part of our household for so long that if they could talk and somebody were to ask the story of his human family, I’m quite sure Popeye would talk just like a human.

So I returned to the book . The story narrated by Enzo on his death bed. The story of his family, Denny, Eve and Zoie…their love and trials and redemption. The book is so personal to a dog that we also get their issues seldom acknowledged by us. Issues like how their life is a constant waiting for their masters and how humans are actually frightened of dogs for their own insecurity reasons.

This book is worth reading and if you have a dog yourself. This book will change your perception regarding your pet. For all their innocent looks, they might be weaving tales behind their ears, observing and assessing us…apart from the love, licks and affection of course!

Domestic politics is also sexual. The sexism in a man-woman relationship cannot be negated,since a major chunk of it still lies buried inside biology and traditions. Globalization might have reached our doorsteps in many forms, but its yet to enter into the heads of our society. Now I’m not pinging on this murder issue, but on the major issue of the extend of female independence in this country. If freedom is the pursuit of happiness, then it sure includes earning one’s own livelihood. This is sadly denied to many women. In fact a woman earning more in a household is most of the time taken as an insult to the males in the house.

If the divorce rates have increased in recent times, it has got a lot to do with women becoming empowered. But empowerment is not outside culture, its only when it threatens the security of the man, that she is deemed nontraditional and chained to her home. But fortunately, there are men, who are man enough to recognize their partners as their equals. Women don’t have to prove a point to anybody and with this confidence alone comes her empowerment. Man and woman have to co-exist. Happy homes are indeed made of love and mutual respect, not out of oppression and adjustment. Women of today, stands shoulder to shoulder with their men and they forward the society towards betterment so.

If “think globally” has become a cliche, then there are many yet to hear it. Now what happened in the Bangalore murder is not known to anyone yet, but its sad to find a young bride brutally murdered because she earned better. This is not an isolated case, the society has been intolerant towards its females from time immemorial. However, earning Eves are rising by numbers day-by -day.

However, when he was given sweetened milk as a treat, he concluded its gonna be his worst day. He refused to have breakfast and when I cajoled him to get into the car, he ran and hid behind the bed. Handling a 3 yr old lab, is by no means an easy task. So I had to fetch in my neighbor with whose help, I pulled him into the car. For all those animal lovers there, I tried all sweet talks and even bribery. Force was my last resort and after every visit to the vet or bath, I always wondered why wasn’t it my first resort! Coz this guy won’t walk willingly into either.

He grumbled inside the car and the more he grumbled the more I sang aloud. He can’t tolerate my singing and he knows I can’t tolerate his grumblings. So its all about who irritates the other one more into silence. He started rolling in the back seat and that’s when I really gave him a lecture which shut him up for a while. Dogs are quick learners, at least mine is. At the traffic signal, I still don’t know how he managed to open the door and flip out. People started shouting and that’s when I realized what had happened. Caught in between the traffic I couldn’t go behind him. I was scared, angry and panic- stricken. Images of Popeye being hit by a vehicle loomed in front of my eyes and I was also worried about where he was going. We were already about 5 kms away from the house. He will get lost, so as soon as the traffic opened, I managed to turn back. I drove frantically.

Popeye had a liking for sweets, and during our walks which was always inside our colony, he would stop at a small sweet shop often. But I couldn’t find him anywhere. I was about to give up when my mobile rang and my ma asked me to come back. When I got home, I found my pooch lazing on my ma’s lap. I swear, for all the love I have for him, he really could get on my nerves like none. He knew I was angry and I totally refused to acknowledge him. After an hour, he came around nudging my hand. These guys are clever, they know how to melt your heart in a nudge. However, mine melted. I was happy & relieved to find him at home. However, he did  get his checkup, this time the doc came to us. And for once Popeye had no premonitions, I caught him completely off-guard!