They say, “When it rains, it pours… and when it pours, it floods”. I say, “When it starts, often times ends up a habit.” The year 2008 is not as pleasing as I expected it to be. Failures become one of its themes. It stagnates me to just hoping, trusting, and wishing. It stirs me with confusion as to what I wanted to have in my life. I say, that year is not meant for the perfect happiness I am searching.
Most often we associate happiness and contentment with peak of career, intact family, excellent partner, and supportive friends. When one of these makes a detour, the rest of the journey fails. For what is having a career when it will cost your quality time with your family and love ones; what is the use of getting involved with a partner when friends are turning back on you.
With whole honesty, I don’t write anymore. But this moment has awakened me . I felt ALONE a day before the year ends. It was this moment when I started to recollect my sanity. It was this time when I stood to face my life. I had seen how the world starts to move upside down. A picture of a career with no direction, Friends turn back friends, a partner who promised me a life, started to sour, finances is not stable, yet an opportunity awaits for the year to come, family is still there ready to support plans.
With this, one would say, “Hey, you seemed to have an unlucky life!” but I say, “This is a warning, which signals me that something has gone wrong and that I should do better to change the route of my flight.”
This same year created a memory only time can erase. These days highlight an important event in my life. For so long, I had been very idealistic that I wished for something impossible – a partner. Yes, not possible and I am not even sure if such exist for me. There were those, who arrived and quickly left. There were those who stayed, but I faded. Now tell me, does real partner exist? It seems like eternity when moment like this comes to me like a thunder where light travels faster than sounds, before I hear it, I already was stroked and fell. And tomorrow when I woke up, all I hear were sounds, deafening sound – silence. And it was gone.
Everything comes swiftly. I met him today, I fall tomorrow. Funny may it seemed to be but it happens. Taking the big picture, it was exactly a mistake. Considering that it was an immoral act, such partner is selling services others enjoy. Fun in exchange for finances to support needs. Everyday seemed to be unexpected of him. Nobody knows who he was with and what he is doing. For every duty hours he spent working is something your mind will come to think about is working inside a dark room of orgasm and filthy needs. I know all these things because I am one of those who avail his services. I thought only movie stories could relay the Cinerama, but I am there trapped inside the biggest screen. However, all I kept from him were promises which everyone concludes to be a word to break. But I believe because I love. I was assured with honesty. I was told with more than what meets the eyes. I come to know him deeply and better.
Nobody is so sane to accept a lover telling you he’s got a thousand for an hour service, or would you be glad he was in a date with his supporters? Or would you shout for joy when your lover will tell you he has to do that in order to get easy money for his education? NOBODY BUT ME. I did! I tried to visualize how life works when we just don’t have to see the dark side of it.
I witnessed how he struggles, makes a living, and live a life. I had swallowed my pride, I even loose grip of my sanity. Its not what others think, it is about how we felt for each other. He didn’t ask anything from me; I was assured that all he wants from me is love and understanding. For me, it’s free and it has a cost more than a night tip can give. I let him live his life with me and I with him.
Days gone by and the New Year arises, He was with me when we faced it. Everything seems to be endless. Promises, hugs, kisses and more than what lovers do, and plans of living together and making the relationship stronger forever. Romantic… Cinematic… Dramatic… Pathetic… A reality among us where sexuality is a question. – And I face it with a smile as if I am in paradise.
Uncertainty however is still playing in my mind. For how can one be certain when all you see are lies? When your heart trembles and your body shakes with paranoia? When your ear transcends heat unto your nape when you read messages which are wrong sent? How would you stood still when angry waves strikes you? Believe me, I just closed my eyes, and pretended I don’t feel and hear them. It worked somehow, but I don’t know when it would last. I don’t know when I would regain my sanity again.
My best friend told me once, He don’t want to see me hurting, deactivate my heart and switch on my mind, I am in a sinking boat, he is not even sure he could row with me much longer.
* * * *
Early this morning, I sent quotes among good friends, I sent him one too. Desperately, he gave me an impractical joke, asking me “ho u?”. I remember my review instructor telling us that there is no such thing as joke. Jokes are always half meant. They are the thoughts stored in the unconscious mind. They might come out through “slip of the tongue” or “through slip of the fingers” as evident through text messaging. I don’t know what he is trying to purport. Is he over for the feelings? Is the rain over? Or the sun starts to hide? He used to tell me, he used to play a lot, am quite apprehended because I might be one of his toys. Playing with my weaknesses and when done and overplayed dump it on the other side and consider it an “old toy”. And one day when you saw it, you will just linger with its times you play with it, and most probably, you forget how you played with it.
Sometimes, we have to understand that life is a game. When you play it right you will win it. But what sense would it make when playing means destroying. I can’t believe myself, so trusting and hoping like this. But this is an event I should say would make me strong someday.
I might lose him tomorrow, might not receive any text messages from him anymore. I know I made a difference. I might be hurting but I have to be responsible for the decisions I make. I have to live a life… the memories still worth keeping… good night…
* * * *
The nights flew fast and new mornings welcome a brighter radiance. Its brightness seemed to hide the dark illusions of reality. The glare seemed to barricade the truth. The glow seemed to conceal certainty. How powerful the magic it brings that I reach into pulling the wool over my eyes to the facts about my relationship with him. Indeed, I am overwhelmed with the glamour of his physique and fascinated on highlighting the small details of the whole picture that he gives me.
Over and over, I insisted to myself that I can change everything. I kept on believing that I would be able to win him other than anybody would. Yet, such were too radical and too self imposed. Too stiff may it sound, yet, I turned into a selfish crap as days moved forward. I started to become arrogant and perhaps a criminal to myself. I started eating less, sleep very late, and my career landed on a shaking ground. I rolled myself into a deep execution of an immature mammoth. I entangled my good sense and embrace lunacy over overwhelming emotions which I don’t know where it was actually heading.
The red lights signal me to stop, but the green suggest to continue my plight. And I am until this very day. Too early to conclude but it has gone far since it started. Weighing moments from ecstasy over confusions, responsibility over selfishness, and fleshy pleasures over intimacy, I am caught red handed with favoring to what makes me happy even if it would cost me my self-pride and own standards and principles.
I started to overuse my being too visual and kinesthetic. I want to hear it all…I want it all to touch me. But such has dipped me in a shaky boiling mud, it pierce me when telephone becomes lonely, more so, when the strumming of the guitars in my system stops playing. I tend to float in the air like a cotton feather awaiting the air to stop from blowing and settle where I should lay down.
I had seen withered leaves fall and left into nothingness. I witnessed how the angry air slaps the tree’s branches and caused them to shake. I also took a glimpse into something others may have take noticed off. It is how each withered leaf holds onto the branch despite the heavy gust of the wind. I fall most of the times no matter how I kept on gripping tight. Most of the time, I am blown to nothingness. Yet, Sunshine has left a consoling glow to my existence. It has given me a strong sense of self worth that despite my falling, I was able to make a good grip that I left something to the branch I used to be with. That something is a mark – an insignia of enduring passion and truthful embark. That something I know, though may vanish in time will linger in a memory forever.
* * * *
All my life I never succumbed and rely my fate on stars nor do I count on destiny over interpretation of the movement of stars. I don’t see logic on how magic plays on the lives of people who read it. They are those who are desperate. I admit I am one of them now, hoping my stars would move right and will bring me to the happiness I wanted. I researched my Chinese astrology and his. This is what I got:
My Chinese astrology
Fire and Snake, what a combination! Exuding charm and charisma you can seize the initiative and do not hesitate to assume leadership positions. Even for a Snake your appetite for achievement is insatiable. You are often driven to pursue lofty goals, and your thirst for knowledge is unquenchable. You also know how to present yourself in a manner sure to dazzle the most discriminating observer.
His Chinese Astrology
Fire plus Tiger equals a stick of dynamite, a human dynamo. In addition to the Tiger’s usual passion and creativity, you have seemingly endless energy. You are among the greatest risk takers and do not hesitate to push the limits in almost anything you do. When you control your temper and penchant for melodrama, you are among the most colorful, fun people to be around. Depending on your level of common sense you can do big things or fail spectacularly.
* * * *
I somehow realize that they play some truth about me, and so I decided to get to know more about myself and about him. There is no harm in finding out how we would survive together as partners. I found out that I was born in the year of the snake, and him on the year of the tiger. We are both born with an element of fire. Questions seem to play in my mind if we can make a good partnership.
* * * *
I hope I never had done the biggest mistake yet. I am an intellectual person, smart, and just as my astrology orients me. But, I had been very weak in terms of dealing with my emotions. Lately, I was confronted with some changes in the attitudes of my partner. I tried to read astrology and horoscopes to put some consoling therapy over my blinded pains on reality. I have to admit, I am facing a one – step to death decision about keeping him or just letting it go like any relationships I had. I am the controlling element of the matter. It is me who can press the button for my final answer. And yet, I am overwhelmed with too much confusion on how to make a great deal. This ordeal I am facing right now has endangered my future trust and confidence over relationships. For if this would fail now, I think it would turn a soft-hearted to a trust less monotonous lump. I admit, I had exerted too much effort to please myself and not the other. I admit I turned out to be a selfish, arrogant, self-centered actor behind the stage curtains. When it opens for the final show, I loss control and wasn’t able to deliver my piece. Because I hid the truth! The truth is, I just love too much.
The verge of falling down is yet to come. My intuitions dictate the difference between happiness and lust. And it shouts the matter of fact. It slaps me with a sincere harmony of the genuineness of the picture – a vivid picture that it won’t somehow work. Even if I will try to correct it, it will still leave a red mark telling me to stop.
Tonight, I have to stand firm. I HAVE TO LIVE EVEN. I will make moves that will bring ease to my senses and at the same time making a detour to hurting my partner’s egoistic statute. I believe, I am special and I deserve something special. I intend to be treated special. What gives me the courage to pursue a dream for myself is to live a life simple but true. I have to switch on the lights and accept that I am indeed the actor in the center-stage delivering the truthful speech.
I have to admit, that though efforts were shown for my advantage. Those were just the icing in the cake. They are the half baked pastries – sweetness that you won’t understand and defined – CONFUSION. Yes, not until I will open my eyes, I will taste the true zest of life – FREEDOM. The freedom from anxiety, insecurities, and doubt.
These I should do, beginning today. Being attached is never a bad thing to do. But anything in excessive is dangerous. Just now, my partner tries to put behind issues concerning the relationship. He would rather not listen and discuss it. My concerns all fell in deaf ears. Maybe because of the age gaps. I remember when I am his age, I was a great explorer and would try not to indulge in too serious discussions about relationships with my partner, because I never had a partner who does that before. The least I did was to settle to what is there left for me and understand to survive. Poor me! But I thank for that tough moments, I was able to find myself.
Today, I am going to be ME! Take it or leave it!
* * * *
And when it leaves, how would one feels? Now its time for loosing and its time for solitary confinement, its time to say the lonesome word one wishes they haven’t heard at all. It is the time when all that was there left were the debris of memories. A puzzle tile you cannot put back in place.
Imagining the times were most lovers dance on the floor, swaying and dancing in the tune of eternity. Exchanging words that builds up sugar piles, loving moments that creates tremendous intimacy, and clinging on to a promise only fools used to spell – a promise of forever. Amidst a hopeful heart as mine, and perhaps with eagerness to settle for good, I never learned a lesson. I was trapped before and was imprisoned by my own idiocy for a long time. I savored the glory for the escape with much struggle. During that time, I felt I am succumbed into a debilitating disease where pain seemed to be of no relief. Better are those with pains in their physique for they can take in pain relievers, but the agony of the ache inside a loving heart cannot just be relieved by any mefenamic acid or anything with higher dose than that.
My journey towards the quest for true happiness never ended. I traveled in different avenues. I open up and tried to look at the grandeur of life. I even landed in the hospital after burning my lungs and stomach every weekends pathetically hoping I would meet a single night affair. But I ended up empty handed. I never tied a string with anybody I met inside that Sodom & Gomora – like palace in the city, because I know everything is just a product of the incredible gush of blood in the system brought about by the toxic drinks they toss. Happiness is not there.
I gained supportive and good friends; they were there all the time, during my ups and downs, my glory and defeat. A friend becomes the wind beneath my wings. Tag along with the friendship is the brotherly relationship one will treasure for the rest of his life. I admit I am weak, but he stood at my back steadily to hold me, not allowing me to fall. I admit I am too emotional, but he was there with open arms ready to lend his shoulders for me to cry on. I admit I am impulsive, but he stood by me asking if I really need it. I admit I am insecure, but he lifts and cheer me up saying, “We’re good looking!!! C’mon”. I admit I loss control of myself most of the time, but he became a regulator to me. I was then thinking, I almost lost all of my affairs, but a true friend like him never fades the feeling of friendship built in the most solid rock.
I had grown up with all the uncertainties of my life. Yet, I never grew up. Here I am again, overwhelmed with the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I always thought I’ve got pearl when I hold only pebbles. I pretended to see the heavens when they are all imagination. With all honesty, I am happy doing that, but, when the ends strikes, it tears me up side down. When reality awakened me, I engulfed myself in deep sorrow and disappointment.
Writing this last chapter of my journal was a hard thing to do. My heart is pounding fast, my fingers are trembling and my tears are ready to fall. I know I sound very mellow dramatic in the entire pages. However, this becomes an outlet of my emotions I cannot portray. Each page here becomes my fall back – they catch me the moment I fall. They are glistening ears that never complain to whatever I disclose. They hold the secrets I am keeping for so long. They created a picture of ME.
Tonight, the 14th of February. The pages ended for a story I would call I used to tell. It has been too hard to accept facts that disappoints but as each song starts, it reaches its end. And the music stops playing now.
Everything has changed dramatically from the time it started. All beautiful colors that you knew it was were painted in the masquerade of fools. Besieged by the beauty of togetherness, everything about dark sides is colored with nothing more but purity. Notwithstanding the nature of his work, nor the character he portray, acceptance is awarded. Setting aside selfish needs, everything that I could give is given. It was reciprocated in many ways however. Everything moves softly, until I myself changed from an angelic lizard that kissed the ground of compromise to a possessive iguana that sticks to the branch of excessive passion and love. I become somebody I am not used to. The emotions set me into the grounds of torment – it lays stones of paranoia and doubt. I suddenly noticed I am into overusing the word LOVE.
The last week of the relationship is wrapped with anguish. The time he spent for me is lesser than the time he used to. He let understand that in as much as he would like to, he cannot give me more of the time than what we used to have. And I open my mind to see what is worth understanding for. But as the days wrapped up, even simple greetings were missed, calls were rejected, and time becomes a commodity. I raise my self’s spirits and believe it was just the rocky roads in the path. But the more I keep on doing that, the more the pain stinks and the only way to cleanse it is to turn my back and let go to understand.
Letting go is the toughest conqueror of every survivor. Winning or losing is the end of the game. I may be the defeated soldier in the battle, yet I had given and exhausted all my potentials to be the greatest warrior of them all. Equipped with the weapons not enough to survive, I loss the battle. But letting go had shown me the reason to understand. I played the game of role playing and I am the losing end because I allowed it. I am glad it brought me glaring moments I can hold on to, but because I was too busy and never get tired staring at the shining glory, I didn’t noticed it’s the end of the cliff… and I fell.. and no one is there… I am wrecked, devastated, and broken. The pieces can hardly be formed. With deep sorrow, all I can do is rolled my sleeves up, stand firm, and move on – things that I cannot hardly recognize. Yes, I am the loser. And I have to accept that.
Its 2 A.M. and I am still wide awake. My eyes are still gazing at the pages I crafted. My fingers are still busy creeping in the key pads of my laptop. My mind is eventful, gathering thoughts that would be scribbled… Waiting for a simple message that would somehow ease the pain inside… But the message I received were excuses and alibis.
I am preparing my speech for his arrival; for a dialogue I wish I can handle well. Honestly, I am not prepared to do this, but I’ll cross my finger to whatever turn outs. I had loved deeply more than I thought I could do. The travel had ended, the game is over. It is up to here.
As the dawn breaks, everything stops here. The scribbling ended and the story is told. I may have some few regrets, but it has given me satisfaction as well. We can never ask for something more than what is existing.
Let time heal the wounds of a broken heart and let love still reign despite the fall down.
Goodbye to you, my friend, my lover, my partner, my masseur.
And the rain falls…