What does it takes to be happy?

I’m trying to figure it out, how could one be truly happy… Is it the fortune he accumulates or the chances one has succeeded? Is it shown in the way one dresses himself up or the fancy high-tech gadgets he uses? Is it found in the places where everybody seemed to drown themselves in the flowing rivers of intoxicated substances?

Perhaps, they give us temporary happiness. Indeed, they lift us up into some level of satisfaction that at times we tend to be so inclined with the cravings of having it most of the time. This is what we call a habit which would eventually turn out to be vice. And once were there, we don’t know which way out.

Admittedly, every time I am eaten up by the pressure, may it be with my studies, my friends, my relationship, with my expectations I become burned out that I wanted to enjoy and make myself merry with the vices I practiced. I burned up every stick of cigar and poisoned my lungs. I take in intoxicated drinks and ulcerate my stomach and intestines. Depressed my cerebellum and become dizzy. Question. Do we find relief?

We may be able to escape from what has bothered us. In fear of being succumbed into so much loneliness we tend to sort to things that make us perfectly happy even in the expense of danger. Some may find it gratifying taking risk in exchange of happiness.

I’ll try to ask again. What does it take to happy? My friend says, she can do everything if she has the money. Buy clothes, shopping everyday, go out every night, and buy the world (worldly pleasures). I agree because even in my deepest lonesome nights, I had been wishing I have a lot of that man made monetary exchange because I can be a star to every bar I went over. And the following I still shine because I can go wherever I wished to.

But, at the end of the day, we went over and over asking ourselves if we had come across with the word happiness after indulging into so much exhaustion. Whether we like it or not, we have to face the reality and it is the best way to make ourselves feel better and from it, we can try to evaluate ourselves if we really had known the real meaning of becoming happy.

For me, I had found it for the past 7 years in my life. I may sound absurd hurting myself in the expense of fulfilling my dreams for a long term relationship but I believe it is not martyrdom after all, however it is giving chances and making others happy. I had lost it several times but I am drawn back to it after trudging so many roads not knowing that at the end of it, it becomes my dead end.

Figuring out what makes one truly happy? Close your eyes…look at yourself (your inner self), feel it. Yes! It is a choice to become happy. It is us who could actually define it well. But, we are still responsible for whatever actions we do. Remember: We are judged according to what we do, not on what satisfies us or just makes us happy.!!!

The Stimuli to the Soul

“A book is like a garden carried in the pocket” goes a Chinese proverb….

Books are considered as the gifts to the mankind.  In our culture, a divine status is given to the books.  They are the carriers of the heritage, cognizance and culture from generation to generation.  Now a days, we are in the fast-track life and there is knowledge overflow from various sources like Internet, mobile phones and other media.  Still books have their own role in developing a cultured society.

For the question, “Should I still be reading books?”  My answer is “Yes”. There is no limitation for knowledge. We should try to learn in each and every minute of our life and the most obvious way is books.  Once we start reading books, there is no demon in the world that can prevent us from being in the world of knowledge bliss!

We are living in this world, which is full of tension and stress.  Books are the beacon for the universe of joy. It is been said that ” We should read to give our souls a chance to luxuriate.” This quote alone shows the importance of reading for a peaceful, balanced life.

Great books are not simply a collection of some impractical thoughts.  They are the outcome of the life of some great persons who are born like us and became divine by their constant effort and deeds. Books carry the fragrance of the life of their authors. We cannot avoid them embracing us once we got touch in life.

“There are books so alive that you’re always afraid that while you weren’t reading, the book has gone and changed, has shifted like a river; while you went on living, it went on living too, and like a river moved on and moved away. No one has stepped twice into the same river. But did anyone ever step twice into the same book?”   This quote summarises the importance of great books.

The Enemy in me

I had never been wholly recovered from what I lost. I never had an amount of self satisfaction after I completely turned into ashes when I stagger down into my own pit hole. Indeed, what transformed a soft heart into arrogance and being hilarious to sarcasm is perhaps an experience that one wished they never had – an event that turned a rich man into a pauper.

Losing ones sanity is more than a bankruptcy. Sprawling focus drives towards downfall. I could have blame destiny which has brought me to where I am today, and if I could wish to turn back time, I wouldn’t trudge the road that led me here. I may even sound regretful, for what sense would it make to rejoice?

Some say, it’s not how many times you fall but for how many times you stood up every time you fall…True… Idealistic yet inspiring… However, I stood up and become a different person. I turned into a demoniac. It’s as if, I lost the reason to love again. I impound the trust and somehow learned to delete what happiness means. Now the question is: how many times you changed every time you stood up?

I stood up once more after a torment storm. I may have depleted my self-esteem and becomes a man on the background; I somehow believe that I could gain back what I had invested. I may have lost the game – even if I played it well but I would be able to defeat them when I would be able to regain strength after losing grip.

I wouldn’t return for retaliation but instead I will be back to stand before you and say: “I BECOME EVEN STRONGER WHEN I LOST YOU”…

GOD Is Watching My Movie

In the stretch of billion stars in heaven,
In the horizon where clouds are all over,
where the sun cannot cast its immortal rays.
The eyes of the Lord stretches even to the deepest part of my soul.

All through out the days I spend generously,
all through out the night I play with my dreams,
God is there watching me untiringly.

In the core of my heart that sometimes cry out with sorrow and in my flattering emotion often drown with joy,
In the the nerves of my brain and in my wavering mind,
God is there dwelling in tenderly.

In my continued pursuit for happiness,
In my unceasing cry because of loneliness.
God is watching me lovingly.

God is watching my movie!
In the pain of my heart, he cries.
In the weariness of my broken soul, he sobs.
In the triumph of my dreams, he giggles
In the straight path where I walk with righteousness, he delights!
In the holes of the sin where I often fall, he weeps.

God is watchìng my movie where I play the most challenging role of life.

The Song of the Heart

“I love you so much!”…“Promise, I really mean it, cross my heart…”

lines Familiar? Before and even up to the present we associate the heart with our emotions. Maybe because the heart beats faster when we are frightened and thrilled, when in fact, the brain in its real sense tells the heart to speed up. And with its constant contraction and continuous rhythmic beating, it started chanting a song least heard over the radio. Yet it is the sweetest music life could ever take noticed of. Yes, it sings the lyrics of the greatest opera called LIFE.

The heart being the muscle of vim and vigor is vital because of what it does. Its parts, working as a team, when it is filled with blood, it squeezed, pumped, refilled and produced a contraction that provides the body with oxygen and nutrients it needed and even eliminated wastes. The heart is the rhythm of life itself. Its incessant and musical beating ensures circulation of the blood throughout the entire body. The heart does this, all day, all night, all the time…

I might not be hearing what each youthful heart inside this auditorium is singing, but as I see each eyes staring at me, I deem to hear a chorus that I believe would make life even more beautiful. If all of us would heed towards maintaining the vitality of our heart, we can make it work better and prevent it from chanting murmurs.

Most of us are born with a healthy heart. Keeping it in good shape is indeed our lifelong task; a responsibility that would make each of us a keeper of the temple of God. We cannot afford to stain and destroy a very important muscle that makes man truly a covenant of Love. Each beat of our heart reminds us of this responsibility.

Remember that the heart is a muscle. If we want it to be strong; we need to exercise it and take care of it. But how do we do it? We just have to be active everyday. Being active would mean participation in activities like outdoor sports or just simply brisk walking. We should never smoke as it becomes a creeping paralysis that destroys the heart and the blood vessels. Our diet greatly affects in the disruption of blood flow as more and more accumulation of unhealthy fats in the vessels would impair circulation. In addition, keeping a healthy heart is making oneself happy and managing stress properly. Reports show that anger has been shown to narrow blood vessels as it increases blood pressure as well as heart beat rates and adrenalin levels. It causes the blood cells that form clots to get sticky and clump which can cause a blockage and eventually a heart attack.

Friends, it is inspiring to note that if all of us would put high regards with taking care of our heart, we can love more, serve more, and become an instrument of change. Indeed, we the youth can leave a permanent imprint, a legacy, and be a good influence to others. By practicing what we know is RIGHT. Certainly, when all of us aim towards a common goal for our nation, our hearts would beat as one. Embracing our purpose would help make this nation a place full of LIFE and VIGOR.

From the inspirational words of Og Mandino which says: “We are not on this earth by chance, we are here for a purpose, and that purpose is – to grow into a mountain and not to shrink into a grain of sand. Henceforth, will I put all my efforts to be the greatest mountain of all. And I will strain my potentials until they cry for mercy. But my skills, my heart, my body, my mind shall rot and die lest I put them into good use. I have unlimited potentials. Only a small portion of my brain do I employ, only a paltry of nerve do I flex. A hundredfold or more shall I increase my accomplishments of yest. And this I would do beginning today.”

Let us educate ourselves to become a caretaker of God’s kingdom by taking care of our hearts. Let us not forget that the education of the heart still is the heart of education.

Friends, put your hand over your chest. Feel the heart as it beats, close your eyes and try listening to what it sings. Lub…dub…lub…dub…. lub…dub…Mere sounds that produce music of life and purpose; a melody that sings the spirit of our existence; the song of the heart. And if we all together maintain that healthy sound, making the heart stronger, we can then be a masterpiece towards making this nation a better place to live in.

6 Websites To Help You Get Started With Your New Electronic Gadgets

Holidays are here. With Christmas just gone and New Year is about to come, you might have received a lot of gadgets as gifts from your near and dear ones. Here we present a list of websites to help you from setting up of your gadgets to fixing it. Hell! some of these website might just teach you to build things from scratch.

  • How Stuff Works : This website has awful lot of tutorials and videos to help you understand the basics of any device. You can learn anything from changing a simple plug to replace motors of your grinder.
  • eHow : This site also has a huge collection of How Tos and they are damn easy to understand. Not only electronic you can learn about sports, parenting, art and lots more. Plus you can earn by becoming a write for them.
  • wikiHow : This website offers a lot of collaborated articles from repairing a computer to making a TV antenna. Its like an editable How-to manual but fully trustworthy with your gadgets.
  • Aardvark : It is said, when in doubt ask an expert. Aardwark does the same. It propagates your questions to the network to the self-proclaimed experts of the gadgets. This way only knowledgeable people get to answer your questions.
  • iFixit Teardowns : iFixit offers user contributed teardown guides for gadgets. These guides show gadget disassembly and photo documentation. Excellent for people who want to experiment with their stuff or for those who do not have product warranty.
  • Videojug : This site contains videos for almost everything mankind knows about. These videos are simple to follow and effective. It has a lot of video tutorials on iPod and iTunes.

Born free..

Life is not a matter of milestones, but of moments.

Each one of us comes into the world, wrinkled, bawling and tiny but most importantly, born free. Freedom is as naturally given to us as the air we breathe or the sights we see. We are inherently given the freedom to think and make our own decisions, which can be inferred from the fact that we all have a mind that is perfectly capable of doing so.

But today, we live in a society that has given itself the right to tell us what to wear, eat, watch and generally how to live our lives and what’s more the self proclaimed moral right to force us into submission when we do not comply with the unwritten rules.

Take, for instance the recent incident in a Mangalore pub where some ruffians entered a pub and behaved atrociously with all the girls, beating them ruthlessly to ‘teach’ them the morals of our country that supposedly forbid a woman from stepping out of her home and most definitely from going to a pub.

Where is the freedom we once enjoyed to roam freely in the streets with a pen tucked behind an ear, perhaps? Don’t we have the right to live the way we choose as long as it does not hurt anyone’s sentiments? Can’t we wear good clothes and enjoy the sights and basically enjoy our self without anybody breathing on our backs?

Questions that are asked silently but often crushed, oppressed before they even reach our lips. Isn’t that the worst sort of a punishment that can be inflicted on a human being? Not allowing him to think when that’s precisely what he is made to do!

Freedom is the essence of society. What a person can accomplish when free, he can never hope to do so when shackled to invisible bonds, having to think four times before he takes a step. Progress, change and peace can only be established when a person is allowed to be free, atleast in his thoughts if not in his actions.

Monkeying around

“What is this ? You are again late for the office ?
“Sir, What can I do ? It is those wretched monkeys. I couldn’t get out of the house.
“ Where do you live ?”
“ In Bharatnagar, Sir”.
“Oh! I see. The area of monkey habitat”
In other circumstances had somebody said this to me, I would have felt very offended. But in today’s situation, the statement is perfectly right. We live in the area where monkeys reside and preside over the life style of every resident of Bharatnagar.
Most of the houses have their balconies closed with iron bars to prevent entry of our ancestors. While we are busy having our tea in the morning, the entire tribe is scattered all over the area ravaging the plants and saplings. While the monkeys are busy loitering around, the human beings look helplessly out of their caged balconies. Sometimes you get a feeling as if one of the monkeys will come and offer you a banana through the iron bars.
Newcomers to our colony finding the freeness with which the monkeys move around the garden, ask us, “ Are these your pets ?”
Pets ! These pests? Ask any Bharatnagarian, and he will be shocked to the core at the mere idea of keeping a monkey as a pet. The other pets, for example dogs are no help in the monkey business. I never knew such chumminess existed in the animal world. The monkeys come and pat the dogs and they too wag their tails in delight though much to the terror of their keepers.
The monkeys are not satisfied with vegetation and are always on look out for the spicy tit bits. Anything is welcome for them. Dough made for chapatis, idlis, rotis, vadas, keep anything near a window, in comes an agile hand and before you know what is happening the eatables have reached the monkeys tummy. The younger generation of the tribe is very expert in this area. Because of their size they are able to squeeze through the narrow spaces, but once inside they are unable to find the way out and the havoc after that is horrifying. Hearing the frantic appeal of the youngster the whole tribe clusters around. No one is able to get in or go out till the baby finds its way out.
We find ourselves in this situation very often.
The descendants of the Hanuman sometimes bestow certain favours on us. Come summer time and the mango trees are full of sweet and delicious fruits. The monkeys jump from one branch to another, eating merrily all the nicest and juiciest mangoes. In the process one or two mangoes fall down which are very graciously left for the owners. Same is the story with other fruits. Earlier the monkeys didn’t eat oranges because while peeling the same, the juice would go in their eyes and the irritation thereby was the cause of safety of our oranges. However, this did not last long. Once, a monkey peeled the orange by taking his hands back and found that the outcome was very fruitful. Now all the monkeys take their hands back, peel the oranges and eat it with great pleasure.
Usually the monkeys are not aggressive. Yes, they are mischievous but not aggressive. But sometimes, some kid or the other does something to annoy them and then for a few days getting out of house is hell. When the monkeys are around, anything in you hand will be snatched away. Once or twice someone who resists the act is unfortunate of being slapped by the monkeys. We have to pay ‘difficult area allowance’ to our maids, which is in addition to their regular wages.
People ask us, “Why don`t you use fire crackers, airguns, or some sort of loud noise ?” Well, friends we have tried all that. And the monkeys have also got accustomed to it.
Someone suggested using mild electric current for dissuading the monkeys from coming. Oh no! We are not so heartless. Cherubic little babies with their charming expression, the dancing monkeys, patting and taking out lice from each others hair- the picture is so refreshing that we will not dream of hurting these innocent children of the nature.
Once there was a writ filed in the High court and on the directions of the Hon`ble High court the civic authorities tried to catch the monkeys. The cages that were set for catching the monkeys are still lying around. After one or two monkeys were caught in the cage, the clever ones didn’t even go near it and the tribe still lives happily ever after in our area.

Keeping/Breaking Promises

Keeping promises is tough, especially those self commitments at the beginning of the year. The urge to just break them in a blink is tempting. Now whats the point in being obsessed with a few promises that you regret making later! For someone who believes in the word ‘freedom’, new year resolutions are again a platform to show how self transcends self. That might sound ridiculous,but in today’s world the commitment list is too long to last for the next.

Now here is a new way to love yourself and better yourself. Don’t bind yourself to words and principles. Its ok for really obsessed people, but for those who love to munch on a bit more of life, don’t fix limits. Rules have an uncanny ability to tempt. They beg you to break them. For those like myself, ignore rules. Believe in limitlessness. Now if you hear limitlessness echoing with complete anarchy over oneself, think again. Do we really need rules? Don’t you think we have more than enough laid out us to follow every moment?

Love yourself and chide yourself but never be coldly limiting. e.g. Those who are planning to reduce weight, don’t hold yourself at gun point at the weighing scale. What’s the point in doing something that you don’t love doing? Of course there are lots of things we did die rather than do, but should we have the same mindset with ourselves? By weight loss, you are intending to transform yourself. So love the old you to love the new you and feel the change. Holding strict parameters are ok but if you don’t like it then self commitment becomes self punishment. Do we need to do that to ourselves? And once we see change, would we sincerely pursue what we hate? Many times resolutions break because of this approach. Don’t bind yourself to what you don’t like. Now that doesn’t mean that you needn’t try self reformation. Obviously, no body is perfect. So through self acceptance, we have to understand what we need. Let you be your decision maker. If you feel like the scale is tipping a little bit over, then decide on what to do. Don’t make high-fi plans,but realistic ones. Same goes with any other resolutions as well. Start small and make it big. Don’t end the beginning with a giant explosion.

Get a Blue Moon this New Year

Heard of the phrase ‘Once in a blue moon’? In case you have heard and are not sure what it is, the literary meaning is ‘something nearly impossible’. And popular belief says it is the second full moon in a calendar month. But different meanings have been allotted to the phrase over the years, the closest to it being a full moon that recurs on the same day of the year. This phenomenon occurs every 19 years and the last blue moon was on Dec 31, 1990.

So, nineteen years later in 2009, you can have your fill of the last full moon of the year on Dec 31. In case you want a good reason for some sky-gazing, remember this won’t happen again till 2028. And let’s hope to roll off the old year and roll in the New Year with an eclipse added to it, a lunar one of course.

Happy New Year

facebook revamped….

Facebook has recently been testing a redesign of its user interface and has already rolled out the changes to a small number of users. Although subtle they are quite significant and make browsing more convenient.

Some of the tweaks that are prominent in the new design are :

  • The navigation elements that currently rest at the bottom of the screen have been moved to the left sidebar.
  • Your profile picture and status appear on the homepage which contains your feeds.

  • The search has been moved to the centre, just above the News Feed from its earlier position in the upper right corner. Also, it is now bigger than it was earlier by about 50% as you can see in the comparison shown below.

facebook new search

  • And lastly, in the upper left of the top navigation bar there are now three icons for your invitations, inbox, and notifications. These will show a small red badge whenever you have a new message. This gives you access to your most recent updates without leaving the homepage directly from a drop-down box as shown.

Apart from being appealing, these changes also improve the functionality by simplifying the design. The added emphasis on search is because facebook had recently improved its search in August but few have noticed and used the new features.  Also facebook wants more people to start using it because search has been a prominent and useful feature of other competitive services – like Twitter’s realtime search.

Remember, facebook is still testing this design and the actual changes might look different.

The Winner in you

“Whatever, Yaya! You’re such a loser!”

Sounds familiar? This is the tagline we usually hear from Angelina, the spoiled brat in one comedy scene we watch on TV, as she mischievously and pathetically bullies her nanny to humiliation. But what does this have to do with water? My friends, it has everything to do with water and what awaits us in the near future. Irrelevant as it may seem to be, but that simple phrase can aid us in unraveling the mystery of our infamous dilemma on water preservation. A phrase that can determine life and death and, possibly, the extermination of the whole human race.

For centuries and centuries, man has been using water to sustain his life on earth. It has been quite so long that even I, for one, often come to thinking that this supply is maybe eternal and can accommodate all life forms currently on earth and for millennia and millennia to come. Alas! It is only but a dream. Time will come when the earth’s supply of freshwater and saltwater, alike, will continue to be polluted and contaminated until such time the word “potable” is no longer appropriate to use on any body of water. Not any, not even a single drop. If it happens, life on earth will no longer be possible. Life will cease to exist and will result to mass, or even worse, total extinction. The once called “living planet” will be nothing but a dead boulder afloat in the vast expanse of timeless space.

Who is to blame for this dreadful and devastating scenario? Is it you? You? Or perhaps you. The answer lies within the waters themselves. Yes my friends. Ask the waters who the culprit is and they will respond to you even before you can formulate the question in your heads. Stare into its depths and you will see the perpetrator. Gaze through them and behold your eyes, behold your own reflection gazing back at your so-called innocent face. The truth is, we are all criminals here! Criminals to our own world, to our fellow, to ourselves and to the generations that are still to come. Though we are caught unaware, we have wasted several gallons or more of usable water in our entire life about every way possible. Over the years, we have corrupted Mother Earth’s precious fluid. We have degraded its beauty and essence and we ignore the possible outcome of our actions. Aha! Ignorance! That is the word. The word where it all began. If a man had only taken care of his ONLY habitat; if man had only been careful about his conduct, then we would not be suffering from water deficiency when the time comes. Our lack of knowledge and awareness of our surroundings and our actions toward them guarantee us a one-way ticket to suffering and death.

But fear not, my friends! As the old saying goes, “even the smallest light cuts through an entire pool of darkness”. There is still hope left for each of us. With perseverance and determination, we can be capable of transforming this small light of hope into an awesome rainbow of genuine satisfaction and faith. Open your eyes and take time to realize and reflect. Unlock your hearts and let love and mercy for your own sphere of life reign. Let us all be winners and taste a drip of victory.

For why was David able to stand against Goliath when the army of Israel pulled back in fear? It is because David saw Goliath not as a big threat too big to hit, but a target too big to miss. Most of the time, it’s not the situation that has the complication. It’s the way we see things that matter in determining our victory.

We all travel through life. And as we journey on, we packed ourselves with essential components for us to survive. Along with this, is the responsibility to take care of them. We will not wait for the time when we can no longer taste the drip of safe and quality water. Let us make a move and move responsibly as good stewards of God’s creation.

It has never been too late. As concerned individuals of this ever-growing society, we can contribute to the conservation of this very vital element. Even in our little way, at least, hand in hand, inch by inch, we will take part in providing solutions to this problem.

If a child, a being without much knowledge and understanding can save an ounce of water each day; then why can’t we? We, who have been educated from various institutions. Thus, we shall utilize what we have learned. Together, we must unite as one, and make the salvation of our water system our main goal to preserve the existence of mankind and all that dwell in this living macrocosm.

Ignorance has claimed many lives as far as anyone can remember. Sanity is the only cure. Learn to think and deduce and surely you will make a difference. Make a difference and be able to influence other people with regard to water conservation. Through this, we will be able to save countless lives. For water conservation is preservation of life itself.

Let us all together put a stop to our own alienation and hear the cries of our water resource. We have already broken our covenant with the earth and we have caused our watersheds to bleed. However, Only God can transform a greedy heart to repentance. Let us allow HIM to reign in our hearts and discover the “winner” in us.

Let us not wait when it is water’s turn to say: “Whatever! Humans are really losers!”

A New Year Of The Same New Year!

Let our lives be the firework display of love and compassion ready to explode each humble heart we touch. Each year that passes by be an unending journey of a good and strong family ties and a resounding echo of better friendship!

Let our enemies and us lighten the path of our hearts with the candle of reconciliation.

Let our foes and us be filled our torn souls with unconditional and pure words of forgiveness and togetherness.

Let our sick and weary hearts be healed by a heavenly power of realization.

Let our dance to imperfect living day by day be the swing and tango of pursuing real happiness and contentment minute by minute.

Let the joyful music of acceptance to one another regardless of differences be in tuned with the song of truthfulness, be in unison to what God has planned for us…
The precious God who has patiently worked for us,
The true God of mercy whose reverenced care guides our lives through His miraculous ways!

How can we fathom His glorious and everlasting kindness?

What clear amount of words can we say to thank and praise Him?

What amount of love can we offer Him?

What priceless gift can we give to please Him?

Only repenting heart and complete obedience of His will!

Let us live our lives in which we put our complete trust for Him.

The new year in which we are about to face is the same new year we faced in the past.

The new year in which we remained pure-hearted individuals and the new year of the same God who was with us and will be with us every second of our lives!

The sad story of loneliness

They say, “When it rains, it pours… and when it pours, it floods”. I say, “When it starts, often times ends up a habit.” The year 2008 is not as pleasing as I expected it to be. Failures become one of its themes. It stagnates me to just hoping, trusting, and wishing. It stirs me with confusion as to what I wanted to have in my life. I say, that year is not meant for the perfect happiness I am searching.

Most often we associate happiness and contentment with peak of career, intact family, excellent partner, and supportive friends. When one of these makes a detour, the rest of the journey fails. For what is having a career when it will cost your quality time with your family and love ones; what is the use of getting involved with a partner when friends are turning back on you.

With whole honesty, I don’t write anymore. But this moment has awakened me . I felt ALONE a day before the year ends. It was this moment when I started to recollect my sanity. It was this time when I stood to face my life. I had seen how the world starts to move upside down. A picture of a career with no direction, Friends turn back friends, a partner who promised me a life, started to sour, finances is not stable, yet an opportunity awaits for the year to come, family is still there ready to support plans.

With this, one would say, “Hey, you seemed to have an unlucky life!” but I say, “This is a warning, which signals me that something has gone wrong and that I should do better to change the route of my flight.”

This same year created a memory only time can erase. These days highlight an important event in my life. For so long, I had been very idealistic that I wished for something impossible – a partner. Yes, not possible and I am not even sure if such exist for me. There were those, who arrived and quickly left. There were those who stayed, but I faded. Now tell me, does real partner exist? It seems like eternity when moment like this comes to me like a thunder where light travels faster than sounds, before I hear it, I already was stroked and fell. And tomorrow when I woke up, all I hear were sounds, deafening sound – silence. And it was gone.

Everything comes swiftly. I met him today, I fall tomorrow. Funny may it seemed to be but it happens. Taking the big picture, it was exactly a mistake. Considering that it was an immoral act, such partner is selling services others enjoy. Fun in exchange for finances to support needs. Everyday seemed to be unexpected of him. Nobody knows who he was with and what he is doing. For every duty hours he spent working is something your mind will come to think about is working inside a dark room of orgasm and filthy needs. I know all these things because I am one of those who avail his services. I thought only movie stories could relay the Cinerama, but I am there trapped inside the biggest screen. However, all I kept from him were promises which everyone concludes to be a word to break. But I believe because I love. I was assured with honesty. I was told with more than what meets the eyes. I come to know him deeply and better.

Nobody is so sane to accept a lover telling you he’s got a thousand for an hour service, or would you be glad he was in a date with his supporters? Or would you shout for joy when your lover will tell you he has to do that in order to get easy money for his education? NOBODY BUT ME. I did! I tried to visualize how life works when we just don’t have to see the dark side of it.

I witnessed how he struggles, makes a living, and live a life. I had swallowed my pride, I even loose grip of my sanity. Its not what others think, it is about how we felt for each other. He didn’t ask anything from me; I was assured that all he wants from me is love and understanding. For me, it’s free and it has a cost more than a night tip can give. I let him live his life with me and I with him.

Days gone by and the New Year arises, He was with me when we faced it. Everything seems to be endless. Promises, hugs, kisses and more than what lovers do, and plans of living together and making the relationship stronger forever. Romantic… Cinematic… Dramatic… Pathetic… A reality among us where sexuality is a question. – And I face it with a smile as if I am in paradise.

Uncertainty however is still playing in my mind. For how can one be certain when all you see are lies? When your heart trembles and your body shakes with paranoia? When your ear transcends heat unto your nape when you read messages which are wrong sent? How would you stood still when angry waves strikes you? Believe me, I just closed my eyes, and pretended I don’t feel and hear them. It worked somehow, but I don’t know when it would last. I don’t know when I would regain my sanity again.

My best friend told me once, He don’t want to see me hurting, deactivate my heart and switch on my mind, I am in a sinking boat, he is not even sure he could row with me much longer.

* * * *
Early this morning, I sent quotes among good friends, I sent him one too. Desperately, he gave me an impractical joke, asking me “ho u?”. I remember my review instructor telling us that there is no such thing as joke. Jokes are always half meant. They are the thoughts stored in the unconscious mind. They might come out through “slip of the tongue” or “through slip of the fingers” as evident through text messaging. I don’t know what he is trying to purport. Is he over for the feelings? Is the rain over? Or the sun starts to hide? He used to tell me, he used to play a lot, am quite apprehended because I might be one of his toys. Playing with my weaknesses and when done and overplayed dump it on the other side and consider it an “old toy”. And one day when you saw it, you will just linger with its times you play with it, and most probably, you forget how you played with it.

Sometimes, we have to understand that life is a game. When you play it right you will win it. But what sense would it make when playing means destroying. I can’t believe myself, so trusting and hoping like this. But this is an event I should say would make me strong someday.

I might lose him tomorrow, might not receive any text messages from him anymore. I know I made a difference. I might be hurting but I have to be responsible for the decisions I make. I have to live a life… the memories still worth keeping… good night…

* * * *

The nights flew fast and new mornings welcome a brighter radiance. Its brightness seemed to hide the dark illusions of reality. The glare seemed to barricade the truth. The glow seemed to conceal certainty. How powerful the magic it brings that I reach into pulling the wool over my eyes to the facts about my relationship with him. Indeed, I am overwhelmed with the glamour of his physique and fascinated on highlighting the small details of the whole picture that he gives me.

Over and over, I insisted to myself that I can change everything. I kept on believing that I would be able to win him other than anybody would. Yet, such were too radical and too self imposed. Too stiff may it sound, yet, I turned into a selfish crap as days moved forward. I started to become arrogant and perhaps a criminal to myself. I started eating less, sleep very late, and my career landed on a shaking ground. I rolled myself into a deep execution of an immature mammoth. I entangled my good sense and embrace lunacy over overwhelming emotions which I don’t know where it was actually heading.

The red lights signal me to stop, but the green suggest to continue my plight. And I am until this very day. Too early to conclude but it has gone far since it started. Weighing moments from ecstasy over confusions, responsibility over selfishness, and fleshy pleasures over intimacy, I am caught red handed with favoring to what makes me happy even if it would cost me my self-pride and own standards and principles.

I started to overuse my being too visual and kinesthetic. I want to hear it all…I want it all to touch me. But such has dipped me in a shaky boiling mud, it pierce me when telephone becomes lonely, more so, when the strumming of the guitars in my system stops playing. I tend to float in the air like a cotton feather awaiting the air to stop from blowing and settle where I should lay down.

I had seen withered leaves fall and left into nothingness. I witnessed how the angry air slaps the tree’s branches and caused them to shake. I also took a glimpse into something others may have take noticed off. It is how each withered leaf holds onto the branch despite the heavy gust of the wind. I fall most of the times no matter how I kept on gripping tight. Most of the time, I am blown to nothingness. Yet, Sunshine has left a consoling glow to my existence. It has given me a strong sense of self worth that despite my falling, I was able to make a good grip that I left something to the branch I used to be with. That something is a mark – an insignia of enduring passion and truthful embark. That something I know, though may vanish in time will linger in a memory forever.

* * * *

All my life I never succumbed and rely my fate on stars nor do I count on destiny over interpretation of the movement of stars. I don’t see logic on how magic plays on the lives of people who read it. They are those who are desperate. I admit I am one of them now, hoping my stars would move right and will bring me to the happiness I wanted. I researched my Chinese astrology and his. This is what I got:

My Chinese astrology

Fire and Snake, what a combination! Exuding charm and charisma you can seize the initiative and do not hesitate to assume leadership positions. Even for a Snake your appetite for achievement is insatiable. You are often driven to pursue lofty goals, and your thirst for knowledge is unquenchable. You also know how to present yourself in a manner sure to dazzle the most discriminating observer.

His Chinese Astrology

Fire plus Tiger equals a stick of dynamite, a human dynamo. In addition to the Tiger’s usual passion and creativity, you have seemingly endless energy. You are among the greatest risk takers and do not hesitate to push the limits in almost anything you do. When you control your temper and penchant for melodrama, you are among the most colorful, fun people to be around. Depending on your level of common sense you can do big things or fail spectacularly.

* * * *

I somehow realize that they play some truth about me, and so I decided to get to know more about myself and about him. There is no harm in finding out how we would survive together as partners. I found out that I was born in the year of the snake, and him on the year of the tiger. We are both born with an element of fire. Questions seem to play in my mind if we can make a good partnership.

* * * *

I hope I never had done the biggest mistake yet. I am an intellectual person, smart, and just as my astrology orients me. But, I had been very weak in terms of dealing with my emotions. Lately, I was confronted with some changes in the attitudes of my partner. I tried to read astrology and horoscopes to put some consoling therapy over my blinded pains on reality. I have to admit, I am facing a one – step to death decision about keeping him or just letting it go like any relationships I had. I am the controlling element of the matter. It is me who can press the button for my final answer. And yet, I am overwhelmed with too much confusion on how to make a great deal. This ordeal I am facing right now has endangered my future trust and confidence over relationships. For if this would fail now, I think it would turn a soft-hearted to a trust less monotonous lump. I admit, I had exerted too much effort to please myself and not the other. I admit I turned out to be a selfish, arrogant, self-centered actor behind the stage curtains. When it opens for the final show, I loss control and wasn’t able to deliver my piece. Because I hid the truth! The truth is, I just love too much.

The verge of falling down is yet to come. My intuitions dictate the difference between happiness and lust. And it shouts the matter of fact. It slaps me with a sincere harmony of the genuineness of the picture – a vivid picture that it won’t somehow work. Even if I will try to correct it, it will still leave a red mark telling me to stop.

Tonight, I have to stand firm. I HAVE TO LIVE EVEN. I will make moves that will bring ease to my senses and at the same time making a detour to hurting my partner’s egoistic statute. I believe, I am special and I deserve something special. I intend to be treated special. What gives me the courage to pursue a dream for myself is to live a life simple but true. I have to switch on the lights and accept that I am indeed the actor in the center-stage delivering the truthful speech.

I have to admit, that though efforts were shown for my advantage. Those were just the icing in the cake. They are the half baked pastries – sweetness that you won’t understand and defined – CONFUSION. Yes, not until I will open my eyes, I will taste the true zest of life – FREEDOM. The freedom from anxiety, insecurities, and doubt.

These I should do, beginning today. Being attached is never a bad thing to do. But anything in excessive is dangerous. Just now, my partner tries to put behind issues concerning the relationship. He would rather not listen and discuss it. My concerns all fell in deaf ears. Maybe because of the age gaps. I remember when I am his age, I was a great explorer and would try not to indulge in too serious discussions about relationships with my partner, because I never had a partner who does that before. The least I did was to settle to what is there left for me and understand to survive. Poor me! But I thank for that tough moments, I was able to find myself.

Today, I am going to be ME! Take it or leave it!

* * * *

And when it leaves, how would one feels? Now its time for loosing and its time for solitary confinement, its time to say the lonesome word one wishes they haven’t heard at all. It is the time when all that was there left were the debris of memories. A puzzle tile you cannot put back in place.

Imagining the times were most lovers dance on the floor, swaying and dancing in the tune of eternity. Exchanging words that builds up sugar piles, loving moments that creates tremendous intimacy, and clinging on to a promise only fools used to spell – a promise of forever. Amidst a hopeful heart as mine, and perhaps with eagerness to settle for good, I never learned a lesson. I was trapped before and was imprisoned by my own idiocy for a long time. I savored the glory for the escape with much struggle. During that time, I felt I am succumbed into a debilitating disease where pain seemed to be of no relief. Better are those with pains in their physique for they can take in pain relievers, but the agony of the ache inside a loving heart cannot just be relieved by any mefenamic acid or anything with higher dose than that.

My journey towards the quest for true happiness never ended. I traveled in different avenues. I open up and tried to look at the grandeur of life. I even landed in the hospital after burning my lungs and stomach every weekends pathetically hoping I would meet a single night affair. But I ended up empty handed. I never tied a string with anybody I met inside that Sodom & Gomora – like palace in the city, because I know everything is just a product of the incredible gush of blood in the system brought about by the toxic drinks they toss. Happiness is not there.

I gained supportive and good friends; they were there all the time, during my ups and downs, my glory and defeat. A friend becomes the wind beneath my wings. Tag along with the friendship is the brotherly relationship one will treasure for the rest of his life. I admit I am weak, but he stood at my back steadily to hold me, not allowing me to fall. I admit I am too emotional, but he was there with open arms ready to lend his shoulders for me to cry on. I admit I am impulsive, but he stood by me asking if I really need it. I admit I am insecure, but he lifts and cheer me up saying, “We’re good looking!!! C’mon”. I admit I loss control of myself most of the time, but he became a regulator to me. I was then thinking, I almost lost all of my affairs, but a true friend like him never fades the feeling of friendship built in the most solid rock.

I had grown up with all the uncertainties of my life. Yet, I never grew up. Here I am again, overwhelmed with the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I always thought I’ve got pearl when I hold only pebbles. I pretended to see the heavens when they are all imagination. With all honesty, I am happy doing that, but, when the ends strikes, it tears me up side down. When reality awakened me, I engulfed myself in deep sorrow and disappointment.

Writing this last chapter of my journal was a hard thing to do. My heart is pounding fast, my fingers are trembling and my tears are ready to fall. I know I sound very mellow dramatic in the entire pages. However, this becomes an outlet of my emotions I cannot portray. Each page here becomes my fall back – they catch me the moment I fall. They are glistening ears that never complain to whatever I disclose. They hold the secrets I am keeping for so long. They created a picture of ME.

Tonight, the 14th of February. The pages ended for a story I would call I used to tell. It has been too hard to accept facts that disappoints but as each song starts, it reaches its end. And the music stops playing now.

Everything has changed dramatically from the time it started. All beautiful colors that you knew it was were painted in the masquerade of fools. Besieged by the beauty of togetherness, everything about dark sides is colored with nothing more but purity. Notwithstanding the nature of his work, nor the character he portray, acceptance is awarded. Setting aside selfish needs, everything that I could give is given. It was reciprocated in many ways however. Everything moves softly, until I myself changed from an angelic lizard that kissed the ground of compromise to a possessive iguana that sticks to the branch of excessive passion and love. I become somebody I am not used to. The emotions set me into the grounds of torment – it lays stones of paranoia and doubt. I suddenly noticed I am into overusing the word LOVE.

The last week of the relationship is wrapped with anguish. The time he spent for me is lesser than the time he used to. He let understand that in as much as he would like to, he cannot give me more of the time than what we used to have. And I open my mind to see what is worth understanding for. But as the days wrapped up, even simple greetings were missed, calls were rejected, and time becomes a commodity. I raise my self’s spirits and believe it was just the rocky roads in the path. But the more I keep on doing that, the more the pain stinks and the only way to cleanse it is to turn my back and let go to understand.

Letting go is the toughest conqueror of every survivor. Winning or losing is the end of the game. I may be the defeated soldier in the battle, yet I had given and exhausted all my potentials to be the greatest warrior of them all. Equipped with the weapons not enough to survive, I loss the battle. But letting go had shown me the reason to understand. I played the game of role playing and I am the losing end because I allowed it. I am glad it brought me glaring moments I can hold on to, but because I was too busy and never get tired staring at the shining glory, I didn’t noticed it’s the end of the cliff… and I fell.. and no one is there… I am wrecked, devastated, and broken. The pieces can hardly be formed. With deep sorrow, all I can do is rolled my sleeves up, stand firm, and move on – things that I cannot hardly recognize. Yes, I am the loser. And I have to accept that.

Its 2 A.M. and I am still wide awake. My eyes are still gazing at the pages I crafted. My fingers are still busy creeping in the key pads of my laptop. My mind is eventful, gathering thoughts that would be scribbled… Waiting for a simple message that would somehow ease the pain inside… But the message I received were excuses and alibis.

I am preparing my speech for his arrival; for a dialogue I wish I can handle well. Honestly, I am not prepared to do this, but I’ll cross my finger to whatever turn outs. I had loved deeply more than I thought I could do. The travel had ended, the game is over. It is up to here.

As the dawn breaks, everything stops here. The scribbling ended and the story is told. I may have some few regrets, but it has given me satisfaction as well. We can never ask for something more than what is existing.

Let time heal the wounds of a broken heart and let love still reign despite the fall down.

Goodbye to you, my friend, my lover, my partner, my masseur.

And the rain falls…

A New Beginning!

The year has made its time,

Life passing on in a blur of colour

With rhythmic beat to the tune of the world,

Don’t miss the music lilting,

It is a new beginning.

Broken hearts and dried tears

Are a part of every story,

Remember the smiles that lit up your face

When your eyes were moist with pain,

Feelings stretched taut as a string,

It is a new beginning.

Some of the people you love,

Have fought, lied and betrayed,

But there was also a time

When they have held your hand tenderly

Comforting, caressing and guiding,

It is a new beginning.

The road might be rough,

With thorns at every step,

Keep your head high with eyes on your goal,

You are close to it today,

Closer than you think,

It is a new beginning.

After the darkest hour of night,

comes the welcoming dawn,

With a prayer on your lips

And a song in your heart,

Tread the new path with hope,

With love, honesty and courage,

Have no fear of failing,

It is a new beginning.

Sometimes, I wish …

Sometimes, I wish …

It is that time of the year,
Romance, is in the air!

Lightnings glow
Cool winds blow!
Little droplets of elixir all across;
Life’s so refreshingly slow!

Yeah! It’s the time of the year,
When I wish YOU were here.

It’s the time of the year,
When I wish WE were here.

Talking endlessly, all the way.
Walking all along the bay.
You, me – Us,
Just the cool breeze between us!

Sometimes I wish
It remains forever.
The time of the year,
When we are together!

Sometimes I wish
It remains forever.
This time of the year,
This amazing weather!

Remembrance …

It was great.
The time we had together.
I hate, to remember
The time we had together.

Can I bring it back,
I ponder.
So wonderful it was to wait for you,
I remember.

What was my mistake,
I don’t know.
Guess it was made up in heavens.
To not be with you.

Those aimless ramblings,
short walks, long coffees.
I wish I could live again
those great chats
Over cakes and toffees!

Hope when I’m gone
you are never dreary and alone.
For your memories shall be with me
forever, in Paris or in Rome!

THE STRUGGLE OF LIVELIHOOD!!!

The struggle had begun, Yea!! The struggle had,

Since the single cell of a man strikes a woman’s,

Amidst the other million term of cells,

Yea , The struggle had begun then.


A woman isn’t the weaker sex, here comes the reason

Men are capable of carrying only themselves

While the opposites carry two bodies at the same

Yea, The struggle starts then.


Pain is the worst thing ever experienced by the senses

We sense it before we take birth, inside our mom

It reaches the infinity when we come out

Oh My God!! Lemme take away my mom’s pain.


The Almighty is clever, he’s highly meaningful

That’s why he made us cry at the first moment of our breath

To make us realise the pains and agony that faces our future

And there the struggle begins to glow.


We are too selfish, even to our parents

We make our mom feel the pain inside her

Transfer it to our dad’s shoulders when we grow

They are the only souls which smile when we give pain.


We go places to learn the life, not knowing that its with us

We fight wars and battles, not knowing that victory is unstable

We point out each other for fallbacks not knowing our strength

Yea , We forget that we are here to struggle.


Struggle, struggle, struggle. Its the key to succeed

Struggle, struggle, struggle. Its the quality of life

Struggle, struggle, struggle. Its the source of livelihood.

Yea , The struggle is continuing till the world ceases.

New Year Resolutions!

They make me go crazy. But at the same time I feel, they are meant to be broken. Yes, resolution is one form of self commitment which is meant to be broken….That’s my definition. After all the failed attempts to stick to them, I have arrived at this most definitive conclusion.

Every New Year, I make a checklist, only to find myself crumple the paper later on and dump it into the waste paper basket. The check list isn’t far too unrealistic. It usually contains about 3 to 4 prime areas which I voluntarily decide to work upon, in the coming year. E.g. Maintaining a regular exercise regimen, committing to a consistent outdoor activity, short term vacation planning, undertaking some social work on regular basis, focusing on that one special thing which I have always wanted to learn new……Usually the list encompasses some of these items; but alas! What’s the end result? The check list remains on paper…..The action plan never ever gets converted into action.

My check list sometimes consists of two columns—Dos and Don’ts…. But I invariably end up not doing the Dos and doing the Don’ts! …It’s that horrible. Like last year, I had put a listing in the Don’ts Column— Don’t indulge in unnecessary shopping sprees. For fun, that year, I hadn’t thrown away the Resolutions paper, and had preserved it intact. One day in the month of June, exactly six months down the line, I casually checked the paper, and found myself having already broken almost half of the Don’ts, and almost all of the Do’s.!

What makes me get into the Resolutions syndrome then, I myself keep on wondering every year…? Is it that friends exchange this conversation just before the advent of every new year, and then that gives me a momentary uplifting thought, that Yes, even I should follow suit; or is it that I want to prove how committed I am, and I end up proving just how non committal I actually become, thus fruitlessly making myself promises, I can’t abide by.

The fact hence remains, that resolution making for me has time and again proved to be No-No ability. All this saga revolves around my Problematic Resolution History despite having known a couple of friends who are into making resolutions big time, and sticking to those, like those self promises were a part of the last word.

I know of a friend who has been making resolutions, practically every New Year, and sticking to those, like there’s no tomorrow. It’s really a quality worth appreciating. How can people afford to be so committed in this world driven by falsifications? How can they keep their minds so focused in this ever changing, ever indulging, chameleon seeming world? It’s a very haunting question which keeps pestering me around every New Year’s time.

Is it some magical miracle? This resolution sticking ability, I mean. Whatever it is, one thing’s for sure. For me, it is an unconquerable overpowering task. And quite contrary, for those around me, it is a natural progression, a little reason, just another platform, just another promise, which they fulfill so skillfully; an art, which I have yet to master, and which, looking at my progress so far ( or should I say regress!), I doubt whether I’d ever be able to master!

Happy Resolution…ing!

The fire inside you

Often, we hear people telling us how important it is to be content with whatever you have in life. After all there is always someone who doesn’t have the kind of education being given to us, the good clothes or even three hot meals on the table everyday. There is poverty, despair and illiteracy, no point denying that. But I think that the only way to overcome this difficulty is to think as big as you can and never be content with what there is today around you. Burn with the fire of ambition! There is no other way to success.

Take, for instance a person who has a well paying government job, a comfortable home and a family well provided for. He has two options in front of him, either be content with whatever he has and continue to live a happy life or  to strive as hard as he can until he touches the limit of his physical, emotional and intellectual capacity. Most of the time, people go for the former way of life, completely disregarding their gifts of intellectualism.

If every person continues to think only about himself, then there would be no entrepreneurs, no achievers, no success. Great people like Dhirubhai Ambani, Ratan Tata, Sonia Gandhi all had the option of a comfortable life. But they chose to get down from their pedestals, let the sweat and blood run freely to do something that the world could benefit from. They are wealthy, undoubtedly but what were their humble beginnings?

Every individual has his\her unique skills and unique way in which they can work for the betterment of themselves, of society and of the world. Unless we are always hungry for more, burning with the passion to excel, to strive for perfection, to touch the sky, there will not be any change in the world as we see it now.

It is always easy to take the path in life which is free of obstacles, smooth and shaded. But only the test of fire makes fine steel. Only when we toil hard and long, our arms aching with pain, only when we walk under the harsh light of sun with eyes filled with hope, only when we don’t sleep well at night till we have achieved our goals, can we say that we have, indeed lived a life worth living.

There is a famous saying which goes “No pressure, no diamonds.” So get ready to test your abilities, identify your talents and work as hard as you can to touch the sky. Because even if you don’t get it you will land amidst the stars.

Futility

Dunes

Piles of sand

on my way, dry

and scarred like

my palm. Cracked

and withering like

my heart. I close

my eyes, but scars

inside my lids

shock my pupils out

of relief. Where do I rest?

Is respite possible?

I have walked for too long

mirages don’t tempt me anymore

many a quick sand have I escaped

and yet futile battles have I lost.

Dunes

Piles of sand

on my way, dry

and lifeless, sticking to my

salty skin. Sucking out my burden in the sun

the last tug might render me free

when life is torn apart from myself.