The incompleteness is now complete

You had instilled such joy, I had felt complete

Not a care in the world no burden unwieldy

A song in my heart, tapping were my feet

 

There was a time when time stood still

Every moment when I gazed at your face

All my dreams, I hoped you would fulfill

 

Yet a fear, a doubt had been lurking around

Will I one day, from my slumber awake

Find reality hurting and the pain profound

 

We never could really travel together

Fate or what else that stood the barrier

Pondering, makes the predicament only harsher

 

We lived the years as there were to live

But something was amiss something unconsummated

More often than not, the mood would turn pensive

 

Heard of your demise today, my heart went offbeat

That potential and those possibilities that could have been

My feeling of incompleteness is now complete.

Happy New Year 2011!!!

Forget the bad memories

You encountered

During the year just passed away

And

Remember the fragrance of Moments

that Made your life happy

During the year

just passed away,

And

make all moments of

Your life

during the year 2011

Full of cheer!!!

::Ravindra Koshti::

Could I be the reason!

could be I be the reason for you to make self confident.

could I be the reasons for arousing your hidden  desires

could I be the cause for igniting a passion deep inside you

could I be the reason for making you feel a regal Princess

could I be the reason for your sweet smiles and dimples

on your face

could I be string of your guitar for you to play

could I be a broad canvass for you to brush a painting

could I be a tissue to wipe your tears

could I be your should to cry!

could I be a reasons for all your happiness!


“How much I wanted to cry”

Amidst of all the heartaches and pains that I am going through

In spite of all the uncertainties and denials that I see in you

To all the rough roads and curves that we have pass unto

Still stand a broken man and it is all because of you.

I have to be strong because I am your strength

I should be wrong to make things right

I have to be happy because I don’t want you to be lonely

I will bring you smile though deep within , how much I wanted to cry.

My heart is bleeding, my mind is breaking

Thinking of you is not easy thing to do

I will catch all the bullets and arrows  just to keep you safe

I have to do everything  for you because that ‘s what my heart and mind want me to.

We laugh and smile together but I cry and sigh alone

You know how much I love you, you are mine and I am yours

Everything that I have I will give it all to you…my mind, my heart, my body and my soul

You are my happiness and I won’t let you know how much I wanted to cry in your arms.

The Joy of Giving

It was my eighteenth birthday… and my most memorable one till date. I had been gifted a brand new Hero Honda CBZ by my brother. I had taken a fancy for bikes at a rather young age, about which I had made no secrets to my brother and therefore, as soon as I had reached legal driving

rsvl

age, my brother had given me one. And I was happy, to say the least. It was the morning of my birthday and I was trying to polish my already squeaky clean CBZ before hitting the road for the first time. A few feet away, a street urchin, barely twelve to thirteen years of age, stood there, admiring the piece of beauty. I had bet he wanted a ride on it. As a matter of fact, I had known the kid for some time. He was the child of the gatekeeper of the neighbouring building. I looked at him, smiled and offered him a ride on my CBZ, which is, piggybacking. He came closer, his eyes still on the bike and touched it gingerly, as if the machine had a life of its own. Then, for the first time, he turned towards me and asked, still wonderstruck, “Is it yours?” Slightly irritated that he had ignored my offer to take him for a ride on it. I proudly stated that it was a gift to me from my brother on my birthday. His eyes widened even more and turned to the bike again. Then a slight bit of sadness crept into his awestruck eyes, as he started to say, “I wish …” He paused. I knew what he wished. He wished that he had a brother like mine. But what he said, instead, jarred me from head to foot and made me learn a lesson for life. He said, in a melancholy touch, “I wish … I could be a brother like that”.

More in Life than Misery

mother daughterShe sat alone on her favorite light blue couch wondering what to do. Earlier, whenever she used to sit here, George would be doing his work at the study table. His presence gave her a secure feeling even if they did not talk much. Today, as she sat on that very couch, she felt lonely for the first time in her life. She brooded and sighed after streams of tears had moistened her soft cheeks. Her long hair piled atop her head into a bun, her trim silhouette made a tragic figure against the backdrop of the gloomy atmosphere.

It was a year since George had passed away. The sudden demise of her young bespectacled husband seemed to rock her very soul. She had never known until now that she had felt so very much for a person she had not really loved. A popular professor at the University, George had cared for Anita as any loving husband would. Those delightful evening strolls amidst the cool breeze, those enlightening discussions on literary figures, it all had been so nice. Anita and George merged blissfully with their common tastes and dislikes. It all made life less of a challenge and more of a harmonious journey.

However, Anita’s love was once the tall, curly haired Ajith who she had met in college, back in India. They used to be happy then – bunking classes, having tea in the canteen and the long unending telephone conversations. They almost got caught once when Anita’s brother lunged unexpectedly at the telephone receiver one day only to hear a male voice at the other end. It had enraged Anita a lot and a huge furore was raised in the conservative Indian Protestant home. Mercifully, she had escaped that day as guests had come home and the matter was pushed under the carpet.

Reading the Bible every morning and evening, Anita clung onto the words of the Bible for comfort.

“Let not your heart be troubled: Ye believe in God…”

Of course, she did believe in God but she seemed to have lost faith in herself.

Her heart bled and cried for her stranger husband and remained empty for a love once known and felt.

‘Why was it so?’ she was baffled.

‘Lord! Give me a solution,’ she pleaded desperately and as if in response to her plea a three year old doll ran towards her crying, “Mummy. Mummy.”

It was her darling daughter, Marie who she adored and treasured greatly. Marie came to her mother and sat down comfortably on her lap. Almost immediately, Anita’s woes and worries vanished and she spontaneously smothered her child with huge hugs and kisses. Her baby girl was a joy to Anita. She even felt that if life was worth living then, it was because of her baby girl. Marie reminded her so much of George. She had his eyes and that same dimpled smile! Her thoughts of George made her happy and she wondered, ‘Was her heart deceiving her?’

‘What about those exciting adventurous encounters with Ajith in India? Ice creams and groundnuts on the beach? Those mushy sentiments that they professed for each other, the love and the tears? Were those just dreams? It couldn’t be’ Anita wondered.

She was a rich woman now. George had left her plenty of money. She was a young pretty widow with a little girl to take care of. In spite of it, life in Canada was proving to be very miserable. The financial security that George had left behind was more than sufficient for her baby and herself. Yet, after George’s death India seemed to beckon Anita. George had never been serious about going to India. He had always felt that a foreign country gave more scope for development of intellect with its facilities and the benefits. In fact, he had even told Anita one day,

“Oh! C’mon Anita! Why don’t you understand? What is left in India? Here, you are well off and happy. You have no problems, do you?”
“True,” Anita had said, “but something seems to be missing in our lives. Everything is so very perfect so much so that I feel more like a robot.”

“What do you mean? We are happy, aren’t we?” fumed George.

“Of course George!” Anita replied, patting George’s shoulder. “I am happy with you but we have a baby now and I want her to know something about her roots. And, just telling her will not do. She must grow up there in her native land like we did. Whatever we are today in terms of our ideals and beliefs is because we grew up in India George.”

Anita had seemed right so George had preferred not to argue with her.

‘But, what will she understand? How many people want to get here but just can’t? How difficult it was to get here,’ he thought ‘and she wants to give it all up for ideals, roots and what not.’

After that heated discussion, both George and Anita never spoke about this topic again. That was the end of Anita’s desire to get back to India.

Now, George was no longer there and the urge to go back to India was intense so, Anita settled matters, gathered her child and goods and headed straight for India. Her parents received her at the airport. It felt so good to walk on Indian soil! George’s mother had passed away some years back and his father much before that so Anita stayed with her parents for sometime. Later, after having surfed successfully for a job, Anita moved in to a new apartment much against the wishes of her parents.

It was here that Ajth began calling on her, wishing to renew his old association with Anita in spite of her ‘betrayal’ as he referred to her marriage to George. Anita did feel apprehensive in Ajith’s presence initially but later, got used to his unexpected visits. She got to know from him that he had married after Anita had left for Canada but was divorced now.

It was more than a year since George had died and Anita was at a crossroad, because she had genuine caring and loving feelings for her dead husband but Ajith was distracting her. Many a night she turned and tossed in bed as she remembered her husband and also recollected Ajith’s latest visit.

‘Should I spend the rest of my life in my past or begin a new life?’ she asked herself many a time.

‘What is it that gives me peace and contentment, sweet memories of my marital life or a long lost love life with a friend?’

It could have been an easy decision as George was already dead. But, what Anita wanted was self-satisfaction, not a compromise.

Things carried on with Anita going to work, visiting her parents and of course getting to see Ajith every other day. Not that she wanted it. But, he seemed to want it.

Ajith visited her one day and asked her how she was.

“Fine,” Anita had replied and then, lapsed into an embarrassing silence for want of words.

“What’s happened to you now-a-days?” Ajith demanded of her. “You don’t talk much. Say something!”
“Err.. How is your ex wife?”

“Couldn’t you get a better topic?” Ajith asked angrily.

“Why? What is wrong in talking about your wife?”

“Nothing.”

“So, how is she?”

“Fine.”

“Okay, now you tell me. Why don’t YOU marry again?”

“What?” Anita was startled.

“Yeah. I am there for you anyway” Ajith grinned.

Anita was at a loss for words. She gave a weak smile.

“Yes. Anita. After all, we have known each other for a very long time, longer than you knew your husband.”

Anita was shocked to say the least. She had begun to have ideas earlier but this attitude of Ajith disgusted her. He sounded as if he was doing her a favor.

“I don’t have to marry anyone. I am contented the way I am” Anita replied.

“Ha! Ha!” Ajith laughed loudly. “Don’t tell me that Anita. You need a man. This is India, not Canada. Without a man, you cannot do a thing. And, I am willing to marry you even though you are a widow now not to mention that kid of yours. Of course, you are still attractive too!”

Ajith’s narrow minded behavior silenced Anita. But, now, she was no longer in conflict. She knew what she had to do. She would go back to her parents and take care of them just as they did when she was young. And, even though destiny had forced her to marry someone she did not know, even though she had married to keep her ailing father happy years ago, she knew that destiny had done right. She had so much to look forward to in life – her parents, her daughter, her new job and no, not Ajith!

I Will Lie Down In Peace by Usha Jesudasan

Usha Jusudasan

I Will Lie Down In Peace by Usha Jesudasan

 

The book is about a family that bravely came to terms with terminal illness and is a personal account of the survivor of that family. The family was an ordinary family just like you and me.  

The action begins in the first chapter itself leaving no place for you to settle down comfortably and then slowly plunge into the story plot. What grips you is the book’s ability to help you identify with the characters namely, Dr. Kumar Jesudasan (the protagonist), his wife and author (Usha) and their three children. The book makes you feel as though you always knew this family. They could even be your neighbors! What adds to the charm of the book is Dr. Kumar’s dedicated devotion to the cause of leprosy. He takes his work towards leprosy patients in the lush green nature reserve of Karigiri, located somewhere between Chennai and Bangalore as a serious calling. His work is missionary in nature and his petite young wife who has lived all her life abroad gives him company.

 Since Usha herself has written the book you get close to her inner emotions – what she felt when she began her life afresh with Kumar in India. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that an educated, qualified, articulate and modern woman like herself would have to give up all that she desired in life to settle down to a marital life strewn with thorns that hurt her at every step.  Usha has been honest as she describes her disgust and dislike when she was introduced to the leprosy prone life in Karigiri. In and out, the book rocks you as you are pushed into flashback to understand how the family gets together and then, again into the present when you see the family struggling through ailment, unhappiness, loss of faith and love. Just when you thought that the book was taking you into the future you find yourself shoved into the past. Just when you thought that the pain that the family was undergoing was too much to bear Usha takes you back to a pleasant, happy and even enlightening memory.

 So, what is the book about? Dr. Kumar is a dedicated leprosy doctor and is known the world over for his specialized diagnosis and effective treatment. He is mentor to innumerable people who consider him as family after having being discarded by their own relatives and friends. Dr. Kumar’s family slowly but steadily realizes the importance of his work and make use of their religious faith to bail them out of crisis whenever the going gets tough. But then, destiny plays cruel games sometimes and Dr. Kumar is diagnosed with Hepatitis B after a suspected hepatitis contaminated needle was used on him during one of his several blood donation events. An occurrence of the cirrhosis of the liver is definite and that was to be the end for him. Just imagine! Knowing the way you were going to die and not being able to do anything about it!

 Much as Usha and Kumar try to handle the limited painful time that they have in their hands sometimes, faith seems hard to come. Usha is unable to see Kumar suffering anymore especially when she knows that all that he has done in life is good for mankind. Innumerable quotations from the Bible and from several other inspirational books help the young couple. Usha explains how she and Kumar try to come to terms with their state, with Kumar’s sudden comas and with the children’s trauma. Usha reads the Psalm 34 time and again to stay strong for her dying husband and for her scared and confused children:

“The Lord is close to those whose courage is broken,

And He saves those whose spirit is crushed.”

 Unable to bear the suffering anymore and unwilling to die a painful death shackled to a cold deathly hospital bed Kumar decides after a spate of comas that enough is enough. He wants to die at home with his family beside him, not in an ICU ward. He is brought home and as per his wishes he is not revived when he goes into coma. Miracle descends upon the family when he gains consciousness again and again every time he goes into a coma. The society that was accusing Usha of not loving her husband has nothing more to say and Kumar leaves finally with the following lines of Joe Mannath in his heart:

“I believe

That you will call me

When it is best for me….

My loved ones cannot come with me,

You alone –

You will be there at my side,

As you have always been,

You will hold me,

Guide me,

Receive me,

And remake my broken frame.

In your name I surrender

The remaining hours of my life,

Knowing that the best is yet to come.”