The incompleteness is now complete

You had instilled such joy, I had felt complete

Not a care in the world no burden unwieldy

A song in my heart, tapping were my feet

 

There was a time when time stood still

Every moment when I gazed at your face

All my dreams, I hoped you would fulfill

 

Yet a fear, a doubt had been lurking around

Will I one day, from my slumber awake

Find reality hurting and the pain profound

 

We never could really travel together

Fate or what else that stood the barrier

Pondering, makes the predicament only harsher

 

We lived the years as there were to live

But something was amiss something unconsummated

More often than not, the mood would turn pensive

 

Heard of your demise today, my heart went offbeat

That potential and those possibilities that could have been

My feeling of incompleteness is now complete.

Unshed tears

Like dark clouds they strain,
On the verge of blue sky,
Vying to rush and drain,
The sea of her cheerless eye,
To show strength to world around,
With great effort she smiles,
For her child she holds the ground,
To protect from vile and guiles,
You left me alone she says,
To the one that parted ways,
Her heart for one thing craves,
As rough weather she braves,
Haven , where without fear,
She can let go that unshed tear.

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who really are you

You find more happiness in my pains

Than in your own happiness

You await my sad moment to be happy

You highs do not seem to amuse you anymore

You find solace in my humiliation

You stalk me instead of contemplating your life

You smile when I cry

You hate it when I laugh

Who really are you

Who are you?

 

Woman anywhere…

I could have sworn

that a tear had run down

I knew she was strong

but how long could she

hold on?

A mother of two

a boy & a girl

a wife so devoted

a woman who cared.

Now,she remains all

alone

her womb is empty

so is her heart & soul.

For is there any life left

for a widow or a mother

who loses her kids

to death?

But she is strong,

she held on…

Commitment

I am afraid to be committed,

because I don’t want to  fail,

but now I am ready..

in the name of love.

Part of this commitment are promises,

Promises that should never be break,

For this connects us and bind us,

not just friends but at this time as lovers.

I promise to be at your side,

ready to be called all the time,

In happiness and triumphs,

Specially in sorrow and despise.

I promise not to lie,

or else I will die.

I promise to be your eyes,

If you need light and sight.

I promise to be your ears,

If  you need someone to listen and give advice.

I promise to be at your back,

Ready to tap, if you need back-up.

I promise to call or send messages to you,

despite of  a busy time.

Three things I assure you,

Honesty, Trust and Love,

that you never get from anyone.

Rest assured that being faithful to you,

will always be in my heart.

I am willing to sacrifice my time,

Everything I have,

just to prove my love.

for it will be….

 

ONLY YOU.. ONLY YOU.. in my life.

 

(dedicated to MJR)

First poem at first sight

Hey Ms, I saw you a day before
Which I cannot forget you forever

I am damn sure it was an evening
Please don’t relate it to logical reasoning

All of a sudden our eyes met instantly
Where I grabbed your attention constantly

My heart beat swung like an oscillator
Increasing zillion times a binary counter

You were expecting me to tell it ASAP
But this idiot toggled like a flip-flop

Finally I barked the 3 magical words
While you scrutinized the whole avenues

I may not be a Mr. Perfect
Though I am as active as a MOSFET

My hopes were like a weak transistor
You pulled me up by adding a resistor

Hope you remember the promises we made
Which resembles to an amplifier in cascade

This unending pain- A Poem

“This unending pain,

Is taking my breath away,

I loved all,

I swear.


My silence is echoing in my heart,

This pain will forever last.


They have put a full stop on my feelings,

I am now left with day dreaming.


I am not what I used to be,

And this blame is also put on me.


This fatigue is taking my life away,

I am still worried for him,

Without me,

He will not be able to stay.


My efforts are a time waste,

And my life has lost its taste.


This unending pain,

Is taking my breath away,

I loved all,

I swear.”


who died?

He just died

I knew it from the winds

they were harsh and my flowers

flew into dust

I knew it from the trees

who refused to let me in to

their shade

For I had a fight

and he had walked out

I could have apologized

but my darker self stood tight

I had no tears

I stood still,watching him dying somewhere

I couldn’t hold his hand

neither ,could sing a sorry

to his retreating ears

I just died, and he just left…

Waiting….

With pain in heart
And tears in eyes
My screaming soul
Is waiting for you….
Waiting to see
Love in your eyes
For me…
Waiting for chance
To be able to say
You mean the world
To me….
Waiting to see
trust in your eyes
for me…
Waiting for clouds
to shower on us
The rain of emotions
Flooding us….
Waiting for you….
Waiting to see
Tears of love
Showering trust,
In your eyes
For me…

No Strings Attached!

“I really repent our breakup. I don’t know why did I leave you there and came to the US? I could have married you and brought you here with me,” Avik paused after saying this. Ria promptly replied, “Now what’s the use saying all this? It a past story,” Ria sighed and asked Avik, “How is your daughter and wife?” Avik changed the topic and said it was so great when we both were together. Ria replied, “Avik I need to get ready and go to my MBA class. I am logging off. Catch you later!”

It was almost after 7 years since Avik and Ria met again through Facebook. 7 years back they met, when Ria went for a vacation with her parents to Vizag and there she met Avik. It was on the sea beach where they bumped into each other and after a mutual apology and a small introduction, they both knew they were from the same city, Bangalore and was there on a vacation. Avik was pursuing his masters in economics and Ria was much younger to him, was in the twelfth grade. After that everyday Ria with her parents and Avik with his friends went to the beach almost at the same time, so they met, chatted and the day before Ria was leaving Vizag, Avik asked for her contact number and promised to be in touch.

Ria was back home and was busy with her studies and tuition. After almost a month since her vacation, one day there was a call for her. Ria received the call as both of her parents were working, she would always be alone at home during the day. A guy spoke from the other end, “Can I speak to Ria?” Ria said that she was speaking then the guy asked, “Do you remember me?” Ria was little confused but somewhere she always thought Avik will call someday. She had a  doubt but still she made a wild guess and said, “Is it Avik?” Avik was very surprised seeing that Ria recognised him. They chatted for an hour Ria hanged up but soon it became a routine and everyday they chatted for hours during the noon as it was convenient for Ria, she would be alone in the house. Meanwhile Avik completed his masters and was planning to pursue his PHD in the US. He started applying online in different universities in the US. Meanwhile Ria and Avik became very close and started dating each other.  Ria said about Avik to her friends and sometimes she would even call Avik from their cell phones. But after sometime Ria soon noticed Avik started avoiding her, she thought since it was her class 12, he was giving her time to study. Ria finished her exam but Avik was still behaving in the same way and his calls also decreased. Avik was Ria’s first love so she dint want to lose him. She tried every possible way to know why his behaviour had changed within few days time but all attempt was in vain.

One day during noon when Ria was having her lunch there was a call; she ran to receive the call thinking it must be Avik. She took up the receiver and said, “Hey Avik, I knew you would call me today..,” there was a long pause on the other end of the receiver. Finally a guy spoke, but it was not Avik’s voice. He said, “This is Avik’s friend. He had asked me to inform you that he has left for US and left a letter with me for you. When can I come and give you the letter?” Ria was dumbstruck after hearing that Avik left for the US but dint even bother to inform her. She said, “Come anytime but be quick. Let me see what he wants me to know”

The letter was in Ria’s hand after 2 more days. She read the same letter for more than 6 times and sat depressed with the letter in her hand and started to think how did all this happen? In the letter it was written,

“Ria I liked you from the very first day we bumped into each other in the sea beach. Soon with time we came close and our friendship turned into an affair. I trusted you and had a great respect for you. But one evening their was a call from your friend, basically she was my well wisher and told me about your multiple affairs which ran in parallel with our affair. She also mentioned that you are basically a flirt and play with every boys emotion. I guess I am lucky that she informed me before hand. I was very hurt Ria. But now my focus is on my PHD, so I’m better now. I thought that I must inform you why I am behaving like this and leaving for US all of a sudden.”

Ria suddenly remembered she used to call Avik from Sonam’s cell, so she is the only person who had Avik’s number. So she was the one who called Avik. She always was behind Ria, envied her good background, her looks and also her academic result. Ria couldn’t stop her tears. She cried and cried. Avik was her first love and losing him just for a misunderstanding was a very big blow for her. She was very angry with Sonam and thought soon she will meet her and teach her good lesson. Ria started to stay depressed and everyday she cried and cried. Days passed, month passed she took admission in an engineering college. Later she thought what’s the use teaching Sonam a lesson, Avik didn’t even verify all this with her, he just believed Sonam and ditched her.

Now they met again in Facebook, Avik is married with a kid and Ria is studying MBA, and soon she will join the IT hub. Avik would very frequently say her that it was his mistake, he would have at least asked her once. Then life would have been different now. But it’s a different story at Ria’s end. Its already been 7 years, and Ria is much matured now. Its true, time is the best healer, Ria is totally out of it; no strings are attached.

One day again Avik was online, she said Avik directly, “Avik now I chat with you only as a friend. There is nothing else in my mind. I have moved on – no more strings are attached to you. Since you still have a feeling for me, I guess we must stop chatting and be happy in our own world.” Ria didn’t even wait for an answer, she went to the friend list in her Facebook account and removed Avik from her friend list.

violence

Men laughed

when the goats were slaughtered

chickens butchered

and she was being raped.

Men laughed when the earth

grew silent

when the green-less pastures

wailed like an infant.

Men laughed when her bangles

got broken

when she was begging,when

her insides were being plundered

And those who were silent

gazed at her in castrated  stillness

then there were men and eunuchs

and she was dead.

Housewife are Nation builders

On this international woman’s day I would request all men and women to pledge that the housewife be given the status of Nation builders. Please let not the census group housewives in “economically non-productive” category with prostitutes, beggars and prisoners. It is an insult to the community by referring them as non-productive community. If a mother is able to give just one conscientiously sensible son or daughter to the nation a major part of the problems are resolved. I am sure there will be innumerable numbers of great sensible sons and daughters who would agree with me and help housewife the required sensible respect and status in the society.

I have an accomplished background with great respectable achievements but just for the sake of my children I have given up my profession. Rather than giving excuses everyday in office for the sake of my family and children I would prefer to stay home to imbibe the culture and tradition I have acquired from my mother. I would dedicate my life to all those high achieving women who preferred to be an housewife and work only during their leisure by exploiting their inherent talents. I have no other way to reach the community for support rather than to sit at home and start his blog.

Simpy

EAT PRAY LOVE

Every woman will go through the ” what is happening to me ” phase in her life, more than once. Women tend to internalize trauma lot more effectively than men and thus implosions are very often. Now when I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s EAT PRAY LOVE, I too was gulping more than my fair share of crisis. Its toll was visible on the outside. It was sheer curiosity that prompted me to read this book.The title EAT PRAY LOVE, resonated like a chant,for I love to eat, like to pray and love to love. It sounded like an easy solution to my multitude of problems.

I started the book, I finished it. I asked myself what would I do ? We always tend to put others before us so much that the question of ‘what I want ” is always given minimum priority. But when this woman, Gilbert,took to healing herself through food, prayer and love, it seems possible for women to self-heal.

I’m not here to tell the story or comment on the book. But the book contains a key and I have discovered it. I opened the resources to my self-healing once in a while to realize the simplicity and magic of this three elementary words..eat..pray…love.

The ‘Julie and Julia’ syndrome -day 1

Here I was in my drawing room, sprawled on the sofa and experiencing the phrase “bored to death” in its totality. I mean I wouldn’t have been bothered had I  actually died that day. I would have probably looked down at my body from above and muttered to myself lazily, “dead eh?”.

It was then that I remembered that my brother had the membership to the  DVD rental service and had asked me to use it as he was going to be busy for a few days .

I picked up the DVD to be exchanged and walked into the store . The person behind the desk too looked like, he could do with a few rajnikant jokes . Was he really bored or was it just my jaundiced eye , I was seeing yellow everywhere (read boredom ). I proceeded to sift through the collection. And there I spotted “Julie and Julia”. Meryl Streep being my favorite actress I picked it up. Got home and played it. And before I knew it, got completely absorbed in the scenes. I lived all the emotions Julia and Julie felt and cried through all of Julie’s disasters and all the flurry of emotions that she went through.

The movie is based on two true stories – Back in the forties we meet a young Julia Child (played by Meryl Streep ) a bored wife who has accompanied her diplomat husband to France. And her journey as a student in the Le Cordon Bleu cooking school to a cooking teacher to writing the cookbook “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” for the servant less Americans which was  published in 1949.

Simultaneously the story shuttles to the year 2002 narrating the story of Julie Powell (played by Amy Adams) who on the other hand is timid , never manages to complete anything and hates her job which involves, having to   handle phone calls from relatives of the 9/11 victims at the insurance company. Once at lunch with her close friends, Julie feels very small and trivial compared to her successful friends. Its then that she decides to bring about some change into her life. She discusses it with her husband and concludes that she loves cooking and happened to have the cookbook “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” written by Julia.

She decides that she needs to set an AA (alcoholic anonymous) kind of target. That is “one day at a time”. So she targets, cooking 524 recipes out of this book in 365 days. And she decides to blog about this activity  every single day. By and by she sees her world expanding as readers start commenting. And eventually transitions into a strong woman. She later publishes this experience in the form of a book “Julie and Julia” ,which is later made into a movie.

Well for me, it was like as if my prayer had been answered. I am approaching 50 (Not that age matters . You could start feeling worthless at any age and decide to pick yourself up from there). And my life has not been getting anywhere. Now a housewife, who had committed to giving my home the first priority. I have longed to do something that would make me feel worthwhile and satisfied. However minute it might be. I started with 2 or 3 activities simultaneously and in the process becoming jack of all trades and master of none. And slowly discarded all of them.

So I thought  how about me following Julie’s footsteps . Seems like a very good idea. I should start with only one focus at a time. Let me see, I guess I  first need to set targets like she did.  I should to  be systematic and probably scientific in my approach. Blogging about my  daily  progress would be a good idea . This will give me accountability.

So here goes, I shall take the plunge today :

FIRST TARGET : Health REASON – (This is the most important part. Because if I don’t know why I am doing what I am doing then it won’t last. ) : Well ! I am beginning to put on weight and right now it seems like ‘the beginning of the end’ to me. And I want to follow the doctrine “ A stitch in time saves nine”. I have started experiencing knee pain and back pain recently. Age is catching on me. I need to exercise regularly  to keep healthy.

TARGETED RESULT : Reduction in 10 inches around my waist , and 10 inches around my seat and reduction in about 5  kgs of my weight ( It  already  looks like a daunting task. How did I manage to get this far?)

PERIOD : 60 days  starting today (Is this an unreal time period? well I shall soon know)

METHOD TO GAIN RESULTS: I plan to do it with no help . I could easily join a health club and get the results, but it’s not all about statistics.  It’s about disciplining my life and being accountable for my dreams and desires. It’s about being consistent in the activity. It’s about exploring my limits. It’s about finding my own happiness. And in turn I shall definitely spread this happiness around.

I call it the ‘syndrome’ because the condition just got stuck to me. The word also means ‘run together’, and  Julie is with me  giving me new hope.

So there ! Be with you soon again .

value friends

It was early morning and I was lazing when she called up.“Is it really her number” I looked closely to reassure that she was the one who was calling then ignored it. “I won’t spoil my mood early in the morning”, I said to my self pulling the bed sheet over my head to slip in to the comforting world of morning slumber. A beep of the sms disturbed me again irritated I jumped out of the bed, it was her sms it read “ I know you are awake but not picking up my phone because you are distressed because of me, want to tell you that I am suffering from cancer. Wanted to say sorry to you before I die.” I deleted the sms thinking that it was her regular trick. She always resorted to such histrionics to set the train of our derailed friendship on track. She had that habit of offending people in public and pleading innocence in private. In our last encounter she offended me more than I could tolerate so we were out of touch for three to four years. Many days passed nothing in this matter happened and the message and its sender were forgotten forever. It was a lovely morning and I was scanning through the newspaper when my eyes detected a familiar name in the obituary column. It was her name. She was gone. My eyes welled up. Everything seemed so meaningless, my ego, my insult. But I realized it very late. I cursed my self for every thing but alas. We were great friends and took each other for granted. But on that fateful day the devil in my mind said she is guilty and must be punished. I have that habit of withdrawing myself without giving reason because what anyone else does is their problem but what I should not tolerate is my discretion. That was what I thought till that day. Today I have changed and say what ever others do is their problem but I will see only the good side of everything. Because of my stupid ego I did not answer the call of my dying friend. I have got a fitting punishment of living in permanent guilt. As children we speak out our minds openly but as adults it becomes difficult to speak out for so many reasons. The fruit of innocence once touched by the finger of reason loses its bloom permanently. Thereafter there is only reason for every thing. The beauty of art of living fades with childhood and the ugliness of adulthood survives like unwanted weed difficult to get rid off. Through the tainted glass of adulthood everything is tainted. Even the most pure things appear otherwise. The purity of thought fades away. But some events give you a jolt and you want to dust away the dirt forever and retain only the innocent purity, what ever the price.

a sorry so true

The salt in your tears

powder my wounds

The blur in your eyes

makes my ways unclear.

I know those wounds

that you hide beneath

scratched with my nails

scars that run deep,

and yet I never stopped!

I should have known

the love that I often  tasted

in your blood.

You were in agony and yet

you came back for more.

Now that, the road has to come

to an end,

and my hand is left unheld

I wish I could undo

all that I have done to you.

If words could convey my tears,

my fears and my pains

I would never speak, for

I’m nothing without you!

I love you, more than my

imagination can stretch, more

than your 6 feet can reach. For

all the blood that I have drawn

I could give more.

For now take a sorry and love me

so that, I could love you more…..

Her last battle

The dawn never ceased to awe her. She raised the hot cup, caressing its rim with a tenderness that made her shiver.That’s how he left her feeling every time, with a cold shiver that’s exciting and annoying at the same time. Maybe, all the doors have been already closed.

Maybe, there is no point anymore in repentance and reminiscences. They did have good times and they had been through hell. A love story of so many years. They played hide & seek through  out their childhood. Youth threw them apart in its early years. And when she had received a call on that fateful afternoon, she never realized that she would mistake it for a hand of escape. It never was, she should have remained there, deep down, alone in her exile.

Demons, she carried them inside and loved them too. For they were her sole companions when everyone else had discarded her, when she had left. Life in a lonely city and then life with him.The sun seemed to draw nearer, its going to happen soon now. She caressed her tummy, in a few months the bulge would have been visible. In a few months, if she was still pregnant, still alive…

He loved her and she loved him back, but sometimes love can wreck lives. Her possessiveness threw them apart. She had no one, except him and so she clung. To the extend of  breaking the chord. And now,when she would have happily disclosed, he shut her up with a proposal of mutual divorce. So she watched the sun rise, with her baby. And a drop of poison in her steaming coffee. When he came behind her and kissed her, all she did was remain numb. When he showed her the pregnancy test papers, all smiles, she couldn’t blink. When her eyes closed, all that she could hear

were his sorry s and she died of having won the last battle, with her baby inside.

Revenge

I never looked back

I never saw his smirk

I never felt his smile

I walked away, towards light.

I have been in the sun since

with my tears dying in shadows

until none flowed, none left

but smiles..never had to see smirks

I got a hand to hold, lips to graze

eyes to shy away from, life to behold.

But on a dark day

when the sun had shied away

I saw him again, without the smirk

but with love

a love that took too long

to realize.

& I …smirked

in tears.

Solitude

It seems time has numbed,

The wind has missed whispering

The sky is yellow, burning golden bright

Burning my within to dead ashes

Vulnerable, stony, I am a cadaver

Being without you is a sin…

Now, the heat has stopped

The sun seemingly pacified

The breeze cajoling the trees

It’s just started to rain inside

You are gone

Yes, you are gone…

I came back :)

I had wandered off

into a dream…

all smiling,walking on crunchy

sands

I hoped to discover bliss

I had wandered off from my letters

and found myself in labyrinths

of strange scripts

I looked into my eyes

and I surrounded me everywhere

strange mirrors smiling back

I lost myself somewhere

and yet, I held my hand

I walked back into you

and you stood there all the while

for me wake up and come back

to you….